FROM ALEXA:

One of the first things I spoke after I’d found out that Harper’s heart was no longer beating was,

“Eric, I can’t do this again. I just can’t do this again.”

I knew how much not bringing Harper home was going to wreck our family. I knew how sad it would make Eric and my boys feel. I just wanted to “fix” it any way that I could. At that point, the only way to make things right was to try again. To become pregnant and carry another child for 39 weeks, but to hopefully bring home a healthy, living baby...but I just couldn’t fathom it.

I couldn’t imagine putting my body, mind, and spirit through another full term pregnancy with the possibility that this would happen again. For weeks I kept reiterating to Eric how I could not try again, but all the while something kept knocking on my heart.

I’m not sure when exactly my mind changed, but one day I woke up and realized that we had to try again… that we couldn’t possibly end our sweet family on such a sad, empty note... that we had all prepared to have a baby living in our home… that our arms felt empty… that we wanted something to be able to look forward to… that even if it meant another loss or another stillbirth, that I wanted to try.

So, as soon as we were able to, Eric and I started trying for H4. We were both terrified and unsure about whether or not we were making the best decision. We also realized that we would be terrified to get pregnant again whether we waited 2 months or 2 years. We weren’t sure how long it would take us to get pregnant, but if it was anything like the last three it wouldn’t be long.

After the first month of trying- nothing.

I didn’t realize how much I had wanted a fourth pregnancy until I saw the negative result on the pregnancy test. My heart sank, but at the same time I was relieved. It was really such a strange mix of emotions.

After the second month of trying- H4 had arrived.

We found out on August 27, 2018. Even as I write these words I am still in total shock. I’m so thankful that God has blessed us with another child, but I know now better than ever all of the things that could go wrong. I am no longer oblivious to the fact that miscarriages occur in at least 25% of women… that there are various cord accidents that could kill a baby… that there are genetic reasons why babies die, but that also sometimes babies die for absolutely no explainable reason.

I read a quote once that said, “Women who have gone through a loss know that the unthinkable is possible. That realization changes everything.” It is so true.

On October 17, 2018, we found out that H4 was a girl. Another baby sister for our family to love...and this time hopefully raise.

We have been hesitant to share our news because we don’t want to portray a sense of being “all better” or “fixed” in any way to others. We don’t want this to look like we are trying to replace Harper. If anything, finding out we are expecting another daughter has made me a little more sad/anxious because it feels like I am reliving the past year of my life. I try to tell myself that, even though the timeline is the same, the ending will be different this time. It is a daily struggle, but I press on...determined to not let the fear of losing this baby steal the joy of this pregnancy.

We are due May 9th, but will be induced 2-3 weeks early to prevent another cord accident. So we are looking at a late April 2019 arrival. We chose the name “Hattie Jane” to stick with our “H name” tradition and to pass down Harper’s middle name to her baby sister.

Prayers are always welcomed and appreciated- that this baby would be born healthy, breathing, alive, and happy. We know that God is already at the end of our story and has everything in His hands.

FROM ERIC:

I walked in the door and there it was on the counter.  The pregnancy test was sitting there on the counter with the same letter board that had displayed the words “Sometimes the best things in life are unexpected” just 11 months earlier.  This time we tried to have H4, so it wasn’t a surprise.  This time when I got home, Alexa had put a prayer for H4 to be healthy and be used for God’s kingdom on the letter board.  To be alive at birth.  When we found out we were pregnant with Harper, we were shocked.  When we found out we were pregnant with Hattie, I cried.  I am still not sure if they were tears of joy, sadness, fear, all of the above, or none of the above. 

I don’t want people to think, “O good…they have another one, so they will be fine.”  or “Alright…they are over losing Harper now.”  We are not fine still.  We are not over, nor will we ever be over, losing Harper. 

I want to make sure people get it.  We miss Harper.  She is our 3rd child.  Hattie is our 4th child.  Harper existed.  Harper was in our arms.  We will always miss her and celebrate her.  Hattie is NOT replacing Harper.  This child is a new baby.  We have new hopes and dreams for this child.  We look forward to making memories with her.  We hoped and dreamed for Harper too.  We wanted to make memories with her.  We did the same for Hudson and Henry.  The only difference is that we get to experience all that we hoped for with Hudson and Henry.  Lord willing, we get to experience the same with Hattie.  We will not get to make more memories with Harper until we get to Heaven.  We are excited for Hattie, but still miss Harper.  Got it?  I hope I communicated that well and it makes sense. 

The only thing having Hattie does is to let us have a happy moment in our lives.  Hopefully have a positive outcome of another pregnancy. 

I am still scared to death.  I have a new hierarchy of my desires for this child.  1. Be born alive.  2. Be able to be used for God’s Kingdom.  3. Live a long life.  4. Not have any genetic issues or mechanical issues during the pregnancy or birth.  My first prayer, one I had not really considered before Harper, is that my child is born breathing.  I pray multiple times a day that we will get to hold Hattie breathing after birth, take her home, and raise her to be used for God’s Kingdom. 

Many people celebrate milestones of pregnancy.  11 weeks, you get the genetic results hopefully negative for any potential genetic issues.  12 weeks is when the baby is outside of the most common miscarriage time.  20 weeks is the anatomy scan to rule out any physical issues.  36 weeks is full term.  Harper made it past all of these.  We will celebrate these with Hattie, but cautiously.  We will worry and fear all the way until she is in our arms breathing.

I have been unsure if I would have wanted a boy or girl.  I wanted a girl so she could have Harper’s room.  Use the clothes and/or decorations that have been lying dormant in her room.  But then I thought about Harper being my only baby girl.  Maybe that would make her even more special to me.  No, she will always be special whether we have a boy or a girl I thought.  Now that I know we have a girl, it seems perfect for us.

We have already been to two doctor’s visits where we got Ultrasounds and saw the heartbeat.  I have to be sure not to take any moment of this child for granted.  I will try to go to as many appointments as possible.  I will wait to feel that kick for hours if I have to.  Harper would kick and Alexa would have me feel her tummy, but then Harper would stop, not wanting to kick her Dada’s hand.  I would give up and stop trying to feel it.  Not now.

It will be exciting to see what Hattie will become.  How she will be used for God’s Kingdom.  Alexa and I most likely would not have this child if Harper had not died.  We are cautiously excited and we appreciate your understanding in our feelings.