As we come up on Thanksgiving this year, my outlook on life is a little different.  I look at this year so far and wonder how I can be thankful in a season that has been the worst of my life.  A year where I was so excited to have a daughter and all the milestones that came with that.  A year where we would complete our family.  None of that happened this year and yet here comes Thanksgiving.  It comes up asking me to be grateful and thankful, but my instinct is to be angry, sad, and bitter. 

It would be way better for me to look at our life and say that I have nothing to be thankful for.  That I lost my daughter?  Why would I be thankful?  We are about to “celebrate” our daughter’s half birthday on a day to be thankful by going to release 6 balloons in her memory from a cemetery.  Thankful? 

I guess if I take a step back and look at my life, I see that I have a lot to be thankful for:

You-Taking the time to read our blog.  Letting us share the story of our baby girl with you in hopes that it may bless you or help you bless someone else.  It also blesses us with an outlet to write our thoughts and feelings.

Prayer-  Past, Present, and Future we are thankful for all of your prayers.  We long for your prayers.  Please pray for us, our kids, and any ministry opportunities we may have to other unfortunate parents like us.

Strangers-  Strangers who donated money to help us not have a burden in burying and celebrating our daughter.  Who brought us meals even though we had never met them before.  Who read our blog and let us know that we helped them in the first days after they experienced infant loss.

A house & neighbors-   A beautiful home where we can remember our daughter.  Whether it be the pictures on the wall, the tree planted for her, or the room that we decorated for her.  Neighbors who watched our kids in a heartbeat when we had to go to the hospital (twice).  Those same neighbors who also fall under all things that fall under friends below.

A job- Coworkers that picked up the slack for me in those weeks after Harper was born.  That cover my job duties no questions asked.  Coworkers that come to the funeral to celebrate our daughter.  Kind words, donations, cards, texts letting us know they are there for us.  A boss who goes out of the way to help me through the situation in many ways.  A job that allows my wife to stay home with our children.

Church-  A church that came along side of us in our worst times.  Ministers who were the first up to the hospital to give me a hug and let me cry on their shoulder.  Ministers who will meet with me at lunch to just talk about life.  Pastors who drive all the way to Van Alstyne to help us meet with the funeral home or pray with us at the cemetery.  Small groups that pray with us and for us.  Pastors who listen to our thoughts on making this situation better for anyone else who may have this happen in the future.

Friends-  To our friends who have walked with us every step of the way.  By what you said or did AND by what you did not say wrong or do wrong.  Who gave time, money, meals, and much more to help our family by cleaning our house, mowing our lawn, or just listening.  Those who were strangers, but are now friends.  Who walked this road before, and came to the hospital to help us start our journey.

Other family members-  Those who would do anything at the drop of a hat to help us.  Come up on a Friday to celebrate our baby girl and see her before we buried her.  Be there for us with anything we need.  Help us build a memory chest for all the memories we have.

Hattie-  A little baby girl waiting to come into this world.  Something to look forward to.  A chance to restore some happiness.  A smile to long for.  A joy to hold in our arms.

Harper-  A beautiful princess preparing a place for me in Heaven.  A story to share with others as a ministry opportunity and an excuse to share the Gospel.  An additional reason to long for Jesus’ return.  A memory of those brief moments. A joy in remembrance of holding that sweet bundle and kissing that head and those cheeks.

Henry-  A strong-willed, crazy, kind 2 year old.  A great big brother.  A child who kisses a picture of his sister at the cemetery.  A laugh when I don’t feel like laughing.  A snuggle or a hug when I am frustrated.  A reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Hudson-  A tough little 5 year old.  A great big brother.  A boy who asks all the right questions at the right times.  A son who smiles at me across the table when my mind is wandering toward sadness and darkness.  A curiousness about things that he should never have to know about.  A new Christian eager to learn about Jesus and what He did for him.  A voice reminding me that his sister is in Heaven.

Alexa-  A strong, loving wife to be an anchor in the storm.  To be a house built on the rock.  A wife who is there to hug me when I hurt.  To wipe my tears when I cry.  To hold my hand when I don’t feel like going on.  To lead our kids when she wants to crawl into solitude.  To love us all when she doesn’t feel like loving.

Jesus & a loving God and Father who gave me grace that I didn’t deserve.  He gave me a Savior when I needed rescue.  He gave me a personal relationship when I deserved loneliness.  He gave me Jesus when I deserved death. He gave me Hope when I had none.  I am thankful for my relationship with Jesus and my assurance of Heaven.

Thank you to everyone.  We have needed all of you.  We still need all of you.  I am thankful for all of this, but still sad.  Still missing our daughter.  Still longing to hold her.  See her smile.  One day we will.  Thank you Jesus.

-E