Ahhh… Christmas Eve 2018.

As I sit here on the couch, Eric is assembling the last of the gifts, Hudson and Henry are (hopefully) fast asleep, Harper is up in Van Alstyne Cemetery (I know she is really with Jesus in heaven-that’s just the pessimist in me), and baby Hattie is kicking away inside me. A scene I would have never been able to describe to you on Christmas Eve just one year ago. Christmas Eve 2017 was a happier time. We had our two boys and Harper was kicking joyfully inside of me. We were completely oblivious to the hell that we were about to experience. This year we are less naive. This year we have a better understanding of how fragile life is and how our world could be rocked at any moment. This year we are a little less happy.

Like any organized, millennial parent does, I started thinking about family photos around September. You know, the ones where you spend way more of your life than you should picking out the perfect ensemble of outfits for everyone in your family? And then dragging your photographer out to a random field, while trying to get everyone to look naturally happy to capture the perfect shot? Yeah, those.

As you can imagine, my mind didn’t wander off to picking out outfits or shooting locations. I was stopped cold in my tracks at the very words: family photos. Two words that once seemed to joyful and innocent, now haunt me because I know that our family photos will never show the whole picture- the true representation of our family.

My mind began racing for ideas. I’m not the type to just not send out Christmas cards, but I knew our card wouldn’t be “traditional” this year. Thanks to Instagram, it didn’t take long for me to find a company that did watercolor family paintings. Many of the portraits painted are of your ordinary family, but this artist had an entire section of her shop dedicated to paintings of broken families. Families missing a loved one. Families who wouldn’t get to take family photos that felt whole.

So, that painting is what I used to design our Christmas cards this year. My goal wasn’t to get sympathy or bring down the “mood” of Christmas, but rather to simply include all of my children in our Christmas photo- the only way I knew how.

I decided to address the card from all six of us- Eric, Alexa, Hudson, Henry, Harper, & Hattie. Some might think this is strange, but to me it felt right. Will it feel right next year? I’m not sure, but I’ve decided to take it one day, week, and year at a time for now.

I have to admit, I absolutely love seeing all six of our names together. We have six stockings hung on our fireplace and I glance at each of our names often throughout the day. Of the many Christmas cards we received this year, my favorite was a simple, hand made card from a sweet friend that was addressed to all six of the Van Hals.

Thank you to everyone who continues to love on us. We wish we could have sent cards out to so many more of you this year. You haven’t made us feel guilty for mourning Harper, even 7 months later. You continue to check in on us and let us know you are thinking of us. You don’t have any words to magically heal our hearts, but that is okay because such a thing simply doesn’t exist. You’ve just been… so thank you.

Merry Christmas, friends.