This year was different for Father’s Day.  Obviously, I am a father, so I get to celebrate.  

Celebrate is a tricky word in this sense because how do you celebrate when part of the reason for celebrating is missing.  The problem is that I was missing a child. 

I should have been sitting down at Texas Roadhouse with a table for 3, a high chair, and a sling.  Instead, I went to Canes with the boys because I figured there would be less little babies there to remind me of what I didn’t have.  I should have been getting some sort of cute hand print card with three little hand prints.  Instead, I got an electronic picture frame for my desk, so that I could cycle through the 250 pictures we have of our daughter and remember her while I work.  (Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always wanted an electronic picture frame and I love seeing my baby girl.)

I also got to do the typical Father’s day activity…and go to a cemetery.  I guess many people probably go to the cemetery to visit the grave of their father who may have passed away, but I visit a child.  That’s not right.  Luckily it was a beautiful day.  The birds were chirping, the sky was blue, and there was a slight breeze.  The boys really actually enjoy going to the cemetery.  There is lots of room to run around.  There is a cross right by Harper that they may or may not climb on.  There are little ants that Henry loves to try to catch.  Henry may also occasionally throw some dirt or rocks.  As Alexa and I sat on our blanket that we keep in the trunk for when we visit the cemetery, with Henry and Hudson running around, I couldn’t help but be at peace in that moment.  I was there with my family. 

The sermon on Father’s Day…I dreaded this moment.  Sure even if it is a sermon on being a better dad, I have two boys to be a better dad to, but I didn’t have the opportunity to be a better dad to my daughter.  Luckily, the pastor preached on God the Father.  He talked about how love instructs, love pursues, and love gives grace.  God does these things for us.  We have to love our kids by instructing them, pursuing them, and giving them grace.  I need to love Hudson and Henry like this of course, but I chose to think in this moment more about God loving us because that kept me from thinking about how I don’t get the opportunity to love Harper directly in this way.

As I reflect on God as a Father, I think of His sacrifice.  He gave up His Son for me, for others, and for Harper.  We don’t know why he took Harper from us but I realized that the best way for me to love her is by ensuring that I love not only our boys, but also love others.  I can do this by instructing, pursuing, and giving grace to them.  When I feel like keeping my feelings inside, I can tell others (instruct) about them because my feelings or thoughts may help someone else.  When I feel like not leaving the house or not seeing people, I can go (pursue) because I may help someone else.  When I feel like being angry at people or jealous of people for what they say or what they do or what they have, I can give them grace.  The ultimate love for my kids (all three of them), would be for me to be an example of God’s love to others, so that they too can see how God’s love can be portrayed and lived out even in the worst of circumstances.

You know, come to think of it.  Texas Roadhouse and a handprint card would be great, but maybe for Father’s Day and every day, I should give the gift.  The gift of God’s love and grace and the gift God gave us in His Son Jesus.

#rememberharper #harperjanevanhal #latergram #fathersday

 -E