I went and hung out with friends about three weeks after we lost Harper.  I sat there and ate barbecue with them.  I played a game with them.  And for a moment I was distracted enough to not think about the fact that I had lost our baby girl.  No, I hadn’t forgotten.  Just for a moment, I had a sense of fun in my life.  I had a sense of enjoyment for the first time since we had lost Harper.

Now for those who know me, I am typically a happy person.  I am also an optimistic person.  I love cracking jokes, especially the ones that many call “Dad jokes.”  But lately it is quite hard to feel happiness.  It is quite hard to be optimistic in the face of losing your perfect baby girl. 

Anyways, back to the game night.  As I sat there playing the game, I realized that I was not thinking about missing Harper in that moment.  I realized I was not fully sad in that moment.  So I did what any normal human being would do.  I felt guilty.  I thought about what we had lost and how we didn’t have our daughter, and I felt guilty for having fun.

Since that night, we have gone to a parade, watched movies, swam with friends, etc.  It still feels strange to enjoy the life that we now have, but what alternative do we have?  We have two boys who want to have fun.  We have two boys who want to see a smile on their parents’ faces.  We have two boys who want to do what kids are supposed to do and have fun.   We have two boys who get to be naïve and enjoy doing fun things without the guilt.

I still have moments of guilt for enjoying things without our daughter and there will be many more to come.  We will go on vacations without her.  We will go to the zoo without her.  We will go to museums without her.  We will go to the park without her.  We will go to baseball games without her.  We will enjoy them.  We will have fun and hopefully, one day, will not feel guilty about it.

The other night as I watched Henry and Hudson laughing as they chased the Lightning McQueen remote control car around the house I realized that we can still have fun. As Hudson and I played Sorry, I looked at the grin on his face as he knocked me out and realized that we can still have fun.  I don’t know how long it will take for me not to feel guilty when I do, but I know that it is allowed.

Don’t get me wrong.  I still miss Harper and I still wish she could be having these fun times with us, but I can see that we can enjoy our lives in this short time until we get to spend an eternity with Harper.  We can enjoy what we do have here on the Earth.  I can enjoy the times with my two boys and my beautiful wife.  I can give them fun and give them a dad who has fun.  For now the fun is sprinkled with guilt, but still fun nonetheless.  We should all have fun with those we love regardless of the circumstances.  I will have fun with my family and in doing so, honor Harper’s memory.  Do something fun with those you love this week and in doing that you can honor our sweet Harper’s memory too.

-E