Ok y’all, time for some real talk.

I’m 29 years old. I’m of what they call “prime childbearing age.” Pregnant women surround me. I can’t log into social media these days without seeing another pregnancy announcement, gender reveal, or birth announcement. I have had the honor of hosting countless baby showers and have attended even more. Most of my friends are either trying to get pregnant, currently pregnant, newly postpartum, or already planning when they want to have their next baby.

I’ve always tried to enjoy the season of life that I’m in. With diaper changes, terrible twos, potty training tips, and sleep depravity surrounding me it isn’t always easy to find the joy. I know that my kids are only little for a short time and people always say, “It goes by in the blink of an eye.”

The Bible says in Romans 12:15- “Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep.”

Now for the honesty.

Since losing Harper, it has been so incredibly difficult to be happy for others. Like unbearably, excruciatingly hard and I hate it. I hate that my heart cringes every time I see a pregnant woman. I hate that the first thing I think when I see another friend pregnant is, “Well, I hope her baby doesn’t die too.” I hate that I hope people are pregnant with boys...because the thought of them getting a healthy, living daughter while I have to visit the cemetery to “be with mine” just sucks. I hate that I have had to “unfollow” 80% of my Facebook friends because their lives are something I envy. I hate that I can’t automatically reply yes to baby shower invitations because I’m not sure if I could maintain my composure while there.

All this to say, rejoicing with those who rejoice is not something that comes as naturally as it used to. It’s hard not to compare my circumstances to theirs. It’s hard to truly be happy for the blessings God has given others (especially in the forms of babies).

Through Harper, God has been teaching me many lessons, but I think the biggest one so far has been that joy in life is chosen.

It does not come easily, and most definitely is not natural, to feel joy when your life has crumbled before your eyes, but it is Christ like. By attending a baby shower or supporting and praying for a friend in pregnancy, I am choosing joy. I am choosing the path less traveled. I am choosing to let Christ use me to love others, even in the midst of unthinkable tragedy. So every day, I will continue to get out of bed. I will continue to pray and thank God for my baby girl and the lessons He continues to teach me through her life. I refuse to stay in the bitter and let evil thoughts get the best of me. With Christ as my rock, I choose joy.