Today Harper would be 8 months old. In honor of her, I would like to share her story with you from a father’s perspective. Much of this was written in the days and weeks following Harper’s birth and burial. It is still hard to read and relive even eight months later.

You can read A Father’s Perspective Part I HERE.

You can find Alexa’s perspective of Harper’s story HERE.

-E

He showed us the heart on the ultrasound and said

“Here are the four chambers of the heart and you can see nothing here.” 

We just looked at each other and cried more.  The doctor held Alexa’s hand and rubbed my back.  We asked if there was anything they could do.  He said that when we were ready we would just induce and deliver the baby.  In my brain, I thought…Get her out of there and try to resuscitate her.  Alexa wanted them to do that.  She asked if they could just cut her out.  The doctor discouraged that because we would have to spend more time in the hospital and Alexa would have a scar.  Couldn’t they do something???  They said they would give us a moment together and left the room.  I was in denial.  I just knew that when we delivered she would be ok.  She would have a heartbeat.  They just needed to deliver now.  I wanted them to put the baby’s heart monitor on too.  I wanted Alexa to feel a kick.  God does miracles.  It can happen. 

We just looked at each other and cried.  We hugged.  We both just said “What?”  How could this happen to our baby girl?  Alexa called her grandma and told her what had happened.  I just cried, kissed Alexa’s tummy, held her hand, and laid my head on her shoulder. 

After she got off the phone, we decided that we would deliver now.  They moved Alexa to LDR7 (the room that will haunt me forever).  Hudson was born in LDR9.  Henry was born in LDR5.  Right in the middle was the worst room ever.

She got into a gown and got into bed.  A nurse came in and checked Alexa to see if she was dilated.  “2.5 cm”.  They then said that they would start Pitocin to begin the labor process.  I looked at my phone.  My mom had texted “We love you!  Heading home and hope to be on way in 15 min.”  It was good that my parents would be coming to stay with the boys at home.

Alexa and I continued to just look at each other.  Hold each other’s hands.  Just think and ask “Why? What?”  We didn’t even know this was a possibility.  Alexa told me to call our photographer.  We had scheduled to have our Newborn photos taken in a week and a half.  I called our photographer.  I told her what had happened.  She told me that she could come.  Just let her know when. 

Now that we had some downtime while we waited to deliver our daughter, I texted my boss to update her.  All I could type was

“We lost her.  No heartbeat.  Alexa has to deliver her tonight.  I’ll keep you posted but I won’t be in tomorrow.  Sorry.” 

Sorry?  I don’t think I needed to be sorry, but I am always worried about other people.  Of course I wouldn’t be in tomorrow.  What a dumb text message.  Luckily my boss is nice and just glossed over my stupidity.  My boss said

“Eric, my heart breaks for you and Alexa.  I am so deeply sorry.  I am sending all my love and prayers to your family.  Please let me know if you need anything.  Don’t worry about work, please take all the time you need.  We are all here for you.” 

She said it and she meant it.  That made me feel good that I didn’t need to worry about work.  Good?…nothing was good in this moment.  Let me rephrase.  That made me forget about work.  That’s a better way to put it.  I felt anything but good at this moment.

I looked at the clock.  4 PM.  It had only been two hours since I was in a conference room at work celebrating the pending arrival of my daughter in a couple days.  Things moved really fast.

One of my wife’s friends came to the hospital as soon as she found out.  She just held Alexa’s hand and cried with her and prayed with us.  She was the first person we had really seen besides the medical staff.  We all cried a lot…  She offered to go to our house and get the stuff we didn’t have.  My wife had packed her bag.  It’s like she already knew she would be in the hospital.  But I needed my bag and we needed Harper’s outfits that she was supposed to go home in.  Rachel said she would go get it.

One of my friends called.  I don’t know if my wife had texted his wife, or what, but I told him what had happened briefly.  We got off the phone.  He texted me shortly after and asked if he could share this with our Bible Study (Sunday School) class.  I told him

“Sure we could use all prayer.” 

He texted back that he would and asked if we were ok with him or his wife coming by, but understands if we need space.

My father in law texted me:

“I’m so sorry to hear about the baby Eric.  Try to keep your head up right now because Alexa and the boys really need you now more than ever.  I’ve been praying that He would send the Comforter to y’all to ease some of your pain, at least.  Let me know how Alexa is doing.  I love you.” 

I just read it.  I couldn’t respond.  I had to be strong for Alexa and the boys, but didn’t want to be.

Another buddy texted that his wife just told him about baby Harper. 

“I’m so very sorry.  We are here for you and your family and praying for you.” 

Again…I couldn’t respond.

Our young married minister called me.  He said that he was coming up to see us.  I told him that I would meet him in the lobby when he got here.  When he came, I asked Alexa if she wanted him to come back or just me to go see him.  She said I could just go see him.  I went out to meet him in the hallway.  He came up and just gave me a hug.  I cried, more sobbed, on his shoulder and he just hugged me.  This was great for me, because throughout the day so far, I had tears running down my cheeks, but I had not really cried.  I had been trying to be strong for Alexa.  I asked him all the questions we had.  All the information that we had to make decisions on (funeral home, cremation v. burial, autopsy or not, etc.)  He said he would ask all those questions to the Pastoral Care team.  He said I don’t need to worry about it right now.  I left that time with him feeling better.  He said he would come back later, but that I should just be with Alexa right now.  I wiped my tears and went back to be with Alexa.

He texted me later and let me know that we would talk to the Pastoral Care team the next day and asked when my family was coming so that he could be here with us.  He said he planned on coming back that night and that I could call or text for anything.  It was great knowing that the church was there for us.

The nurse told me I needed to order dinner by 6:30.  You know…the important things in life.  I ordered a pizza because I didn’t know what I would feel like eating.  I felt bad for Alexa that she couldn’t eat, but I don’t think she would have wanted to eat anyways.  My friend called and said that he was here and him and a few friends would be waiting if I needed them.

Our neighbor texted me and told me to let them know if we needed anything.  She also told me about an organization that does free pictures for families who have this happen called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  Our photographer already was coming so I did not need to worry about this.

About 6:30, I went to see my friends.  The hospital had set up a room specifically for people who wanted to visit us.  I went in there.  Three of my friends and one of the pastors were in the room, as well as one of Alexa’s friends.  The guys came and hugged me.  They asked what they could do for me.  They told me they had been praying.  Two of the friends had experienced miscarriages before, one of them had a kid who was about Hudson’s age when it happened.  I asked him if he told his son what had happened.  He said he did.  The pastor told me that kids know more than we think and can handle more than we think.  I was torn how to tell Hudson and whether or not to show Harper to him the next day.  My friends and the pastor prayed with me.  I am not quite sure what they prayed.  I just stared at my feet with tears running down my cheeks.  They all hugged me and told me that their wives would be coming later, so to let them know if I needed anything.  I told Alexa’s friend that she could come back later when the other wives got there if that’s ok.  She said she will do whatever we want.

I wiped my tears, hugged my friends and the pastor, and went back to our room to be with Alexa.

I just checked on her, held her hand, cried with her.  We decided to call our neighbor to check on the boys.  She said that they had taken a “bath” in their hot tub.  She asked when they are supposed to go to bed.  We said they could go to bed now.

A girl who had this happen in September came up to our room with one of Alexa’s friends.  This was a great visitor.  We were able to ask the questions that we had no clue about.  Cremation or Burial?   How do we pick a funeral home?  Do we let our kids see her or not?  While she didn’t necessarily tell us what to do, she told us what they did and why.  She also gave us many tips for the coming days.  “Make sure the funeral home keeps everything.” “You are allowed to ignore texts, calls, etc.”  “Let people do things to help you.”  This visit was so valuable for Alexa and me.

My dad texted and asked if they should come to the hospital or the house.  I just said to go to the house and be with the boys.  I thought that Harper would come in the night, so I said we might want the boys to come up in the night, so we will let them know.  My mom texted back and said they would do whatever we need them to do.

I texted the photographer back again and let her know it may be late because Alexa still wasn’t too far along.  The photographer just said let her know and she will be here.

We had scheduled an appointment with a lady who made plates and jewelry dishes of hand prints and footprints.  We had already gotten one made of Hudson and Henry.  Alexa, of course remembering this because she is so organized and planned, told me to text her and see if she could come up.   I texted her and just told her the situation and asked her to come do prints at the hospital if possible.  She texted back and said she was sorry to hear the news and asked where we were.  I told her we were at Baylor Frisco and that we didn’t know when it would be.  I told her that the morning would probably be the time.  She said she was sorry again and said she would pray for us.

At some point in this process, Alexa’s grandma, Nanny, called to check on Alexa.  I talked with her for a while explaining what was going on and how Alexa was doing. 

My dad texted around 9:20 and said that they got home and that the boys were asleep.  I texted him and told him that the nurse was going to check Alexa to see how far along she was.  The nurse checked her and she was only 3 cm along still.  This process was taking forever.  

In the meantime three of Alexa’s friends were waiting to see her, so I checked with Alexa to see if she was ready to see them.  They came back and talked with Alexa for a while.  I left to go see my buddy in the waiting room again.  When I went out there, our Young Marrieds minister’s wife was just getting to the hospital.  I told her to come see Alexa now too because I didn’t think Alexa would be up to seeing more visitors after her friends.  I left again to run to the lobby to go to the restroom.  I walked through the lobby seeing all the people waiting to meet the new addition to their family.  I did not glance to the right at the nursery where my daughter would never go.  I used to love the nursery.  After our first two kids came the nurses would come and take our kids for three hours so we could get a little bit of sleep.  We thought that time was so great when we were able to get that little bit of rest, but now I wished that I could be sleep deprived, hold my daughter forever, and never send her to the nursery. 

I came back to the room a little bit later and the girls were all praying with Alexa.  I stood in the doorway while they finished praying.  It was beautiful to see these ladies surrounding Alexa and holding her hand.  This was community.  For a second I had a glimpse of happiness seeing this fellowship.  They left and then it was just us again.

I asked my dad if I could call.  I told him that Hudson doesn’t know what is happening and doesn’t even know they were coming.  He said I could call whenever.  I called him and my mom was listening in too.  I told them not to tell Hudson anything.  I told them it would probably be the morning when she came.  I told them the boys’ school schedule the next day.  I told them that I would call them in the morning or that night if anything changed.

The nurse said that we should get some rest.  I realized that I didn’t have any glasses or tennis shoes.  I was wearing my contacts and had my work shoes.  I texted my dad to ask if he could bring my charger, tennis shoes, and glasses.  I called and he said he could bring them.  I asked Alexa if she wanted me to get up and risk her waking up if she was asleep or just go wait in the lobby for my dad.  She said I could just wait in the lobby. 

My first time alone.  My first time with my own thoughts.  I sat in the second floor women’s center lobby.  I stared out the window and I cried.  No one was in the women’s center at this time.  I looked at the nursery window wishing that my daughter could be in there.  I sobbed.  I looked over at the children’s play area.  Written on the board was “Harper”.  Is this a joke?  Some kid named Harper just happened to be playing over there and wrote her name on the board?  I cried some more.  The elevator opened and a family got off.  There were two kids with them.  Apparently one of them was the aforementioned Harper.  I didn’t want to deal with children.  I wanted my daughter.  I went to get on the elevator and go downstairs to the main lobby.

When I got to the lobby, I still had about 10 minutes until my dad got there.  I sat down in a chair at the back of the lobby.  Once again I just cried.  I thought of all the things I wouldn’t get to do with my daughter.   I thought of my boys not getting to protect their sister.  I thought of my wife not getting to build that mother-daughter relationship.   So I just sobbed.

After what seemed forever, my dad called and told me he was pulling into the parking lot.  I asked if he could come into the lobby since I don’t have any shoes.  He came in gave me my shoes, charger, and glasses and gave me a hug.  Then he headed out.

I waited until he left and then I walked outside.  It was dark and quiet.  There were crickets chirping.  A janitor was walking around checking trashes.  I walked over to a tree and I just hit it.  A bird flew out of the tree scaring me.  I just walked out there and I just looked up at the sky and I just thought “Why God…Why?”  I still prayed and even believed that somehow Harper would be ok.  That somehow she would come out and just start breathing and crying.  I still asked God to somehow take me and let Harper live.  I wiped my tears, took a deep breath, and walked back into the hospital.  I went up the elevator.  I rushed past the family that was sitting in the lobby with their two kids.  I went to the room, laid down on my couch bed and closed my eyes.  I hoped to wake up from this nightmare, and find that it was all a dream.