I will be doing 5 different posts on the five stages of grief and how I expressed them and try to continually deal with them.  One per month (hopefully).  I hope that this is helpful to anyone who may currently be in the stage of grief outlined in the post.  The stages of grief are not a straight line, and they don’t always go in order.  They are like waves.  They may come in rapid succession, or they may come less often, but crash much harder and be much larger.  I decided that I probably went through all five stages in the first night that we found out that Harper did not have a heartbeat.  Please join me on this journey through these five stages and my thoughts.

-ERIC

Merriam Webster defines denial as the action of declaring something to be untrue.  Even when faced with a fact, the person does not accept it.

In the first day, I went through all of the stages of grief.  I embodied denial several times in the first 24 hours that we were in the hospital.  When Alexa told me she was going to go to the doctor because she hadn’t felt Harper move, I said to myself, “It will be fine.  They will check and she will just not have moved lately or not had room to move.”  DENIAL.  When Alexa called me and told me the nurse was taking her to the hospital because they couldn’t find a heartbeat, I said to myself, “They are going to do an emergency c-section and her heart will start beating again.”  DENIAL.  When I got to the room and the doctor told us that he didn’t know what happened to the heartbeat, but it wasn’t beating, I said, “So if we do a c-section then is there a chance to save her?”  DENIAL.  When Alexa was starting the labor process, it was just like with our previous two kids, so I thought to myself, “We will have Harper and her heart will start beating and she will start crying, just like our boys.”  DENIAL.  When Harper came out and they placed her on Alexa’s chest, I thought to myself, “Come on Harper.  Just start breathing and crying.”  DENIAL.  When we went to the funeral home to make sure everything was the way we wanted it for the funeral (casket, programs, etc.) and they had her in the open casket for us to look at, I said to myself, “Maybe now she can come back to life.” DENIAL.  Even now as I walk by her room, visit her at the cemetery, or get home from work, I just hope that she will be there waiting for me, and that this didn’t ever happen.  DENIAL.

I think to the greatest example of denial in the Bible.  In Matthew 26:69-75, Peter denies that he knows Christ three times before the rooster crows.  Peter knew they would be losing Jesus and he may have been afraid for his own safety.  Seems reasonable to deny knowing Christ when you know the punishment that may come if you don’t deny it.  The bad thing about denial is that it is not true.  Even though Peter denied knowing Jesus, he still knew Jesus.  He still dealt with the pain and sorrow of losing Him.  He still dealt with guilt after denying him.  In this same way, I know that denying Harper’s death is not good for me.  I still need to deal with the pain and sorrow of losing her.  Yet I deny it anyway.

My mind has not and does not want to accept this.  My mind still tries to believe that either Harper is still here or that we never had Harper.  That one is my least favorite.  As a coping mechanism, my mind just tries to keep the pain away by acting like it never happened.  It tries to block out that time we had with Harper.  The problem is that I want to remember Harper. 

To combat this stage of denial, I need to remember Harper.  I need to bring her up in conversations.  I need to look at her pictures and show others her pictures.   I need to have items of remembrance in places that I will see throughout the day.  I need to remind my wife and kids about Harper and include her in conversations we have.  I need to count on the fact that even though our baby girl is gone, we have her waiting for us in Heaven.  I need to express my emotions instead of suppressing them.  If I deny any of it ever happened then I don’t have the joy and eager anticipation of seeing her in Heaven one day.  This stage of grief is a tough one.  It would be easy to mask what happened or cover it up, but as long as you force yourself to remember, then you will have trouble denying it.  And if you do not deny it, then you will honor the one you lost.

* Please leave any of your ideas to combat denial or your thoughts on/examples of denial in the face of grief in the comments below or reach out to us personally through the contact button on our home page.