I will be doing 5 different posts on the five stages of grief and how I have expressed them and try to deal with them.  I hope that this is helpful to anyone who may currently be in the stage of grief outlined in the post.  The stages of grief are not a straight line, and they don’t always go in order.  They are like waves.  They may come in rapid succession, or they may come less often, but crash much harder and be much larger.  I decided that I probably went through all five stages in the first night that we found out that Harper did not have a heartbeat.  Please join me on this journey through these five stages and my thoughts. 

Please look back on the post on ANGER, DENIAL and BARGAINING to see the start of these topics if you haven’t already read it.

Depression is an under discussed stage of grief.  Many people do not realize when they are in this stage of grief.

Merriam-Webster defines depression as a state of feeling sad.  The second definition is a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies. 

Depression in grief can manifest itself in simple sadness, but I see it as more of the second definition above.  All the symptoms may not be present, but it is more than a simple state of feeling sad.  I believe that we will always experience sadness forever after the death of our loved one.  The main definition of sadness is unhappiness.  So that fact moves us on to the second definition where other symptoms are present except sadness. 

The first night that we found out Harper did not have a heartbeat, I didn’t desire to do anything.  I had to work to eat anything.  I did not sleep well (also because I was on a hospital couch/bed).  I had no control giving me a sense of hopelessness. 

In the days after Harper died, I did not want to do things that once gave me happiness.  Worship at church wasn’t the same.  Watching television did not have the same luster.  Even playing games with the kids did not give me happiness.  It was as if a cloud was over me.  A weight on my shoulders preventing my freedom and/or happiness.

In the Bible, Job obviously had great loss in his life.  He lost his children, his health, his servants, and his livestock.  He said in Job 3:20, “Why is light given to him who is in misery, and life to the bitter in soul, who long for death, but it comes not, and dig for it more than for hidden treasures.  Job had depression.  These are not the words of someone who is simply sad. 

In the sadness and depression, we need to find some good.  We need to find something that can make us happy.  In my experience, this was done by crawling closer to God.  I got into the Word more.  I prayed more.  We went to Church more.  We could have turned away from God OR pulled closer to Him and we chose to pull closer.  In this, I found a hope.  I found the hope of our future in Heaven.  Hope that we would be with Harper again.  Hope that could make a difference for others.  Hope overcomes depression.  In addition to growing closer to God, I grew closer to my wife and kids.  I found joy in communicating more with my wife.  I found more joy in the smile on my boys’ faces as we played.  The number one way to overcome depression is to find that good.  Find that happiness.  Find that hope.

Am I still sad?  Yes, but I can push back that sadness when I worship.  I can push back that sadness when I dig into God’s Word.  I can push back that sadness when I spend time with my family.  Sometimes it creeps back up, but then I look at the good in my life and add to my tears of sadness, tears of happiness.

-E