To all of you raising two year olds out there- hello. You may or may not know me, but I deeply desire to know what your life is like right now.

As you read that, perhaps you exhaled, rolled your eyes, or laughed thinking I couldn’t possibly be serious. You may feel that life with a two year old is nothing glamorous or anything that anyone would care to know about… but you’re wrong.

You see, I should be you. I should have an almost two year old little girl driving me absolutely crazy during this period of COVID-19 self isolation. My sweet Harper Jane should be turning two next month and doing all of the “two year old things.” I know it is wrong, but since I am being open and honest here, I envy the stage you are in. I would love nothing more than to be a fly on your wall.

I often wonder what my days with Harper would look like.

I wonder how she would be interacting with her brothers. I wonder if you little sister, Hattie, would even exist. I wonder if she would be unrolling the (golden) toilet paper from it’s roll or flushing various items down the toilet. I’m assuming not because I’m sure she would be an absolute angel (joking). I wonder if she would be into dress-up or endless amounts of tea parties. I wonder if I would be painting her precious, chubby little finger and toe nails- trying to distract her long enough to let the paint dry. I wonder what I would have put in her Easter basket or what cute dress she would have worn as we watched church service from our couch last weekend. I wonder if she would be out of the crib and moving to a big girl toddler bed...maybe even thinking of potty training soon (I hear girls learn faster than boys, but who knows). I wonder what her favorite food would be. I wonder if she would have Hudson’s thick, blonde hair or Henry’s baldness. I wonder what cute little things she would be saying and what words she would mispronounce in a way that wouldd make me never want her to stop. I wonder what theme her second birthday would be- Lord knows I would have it picked out and completely planned by now. I wonder if she would like books, or puzzles, or dolls, or bubble baths, or family walks, or big hugs, or being tickled, or dancing with her daddy. I like to think that she would...

And because my daughter is dead, I will keep wondering. I will keep missing her. I will keep being envious of the stage you are in with your child. And guess what? When your baby turns three, I will wonder. When your baby turns five and starts kindergarten, I will wonder. When your baby turns 10, I will wonder more. When your baby turns 16, I will wonder some more. When your baby goes to prom, graduates high school, choses their college, gets married, has babies of their own, I will continue to wonder...every step of the way. Until the day finally arrives- the day when I get to see that beautiful girl and my wondering ends.

My life will be harder than most, sadder than most, and different than most because she is gone. At the same time though, my life is full of more hope than most because of my faith and trust in the Lord. While it doesn’t make grieving my daughter any easier, it does give that grief an ending- a place to rest knowing that this suffering is not eternal. Jesus died and rose again-defeating death so that I could be forgiven and be in heaven one day with Him and my beautiful should-be-turning-two year old...and that is something I will never have to wonder about.

If you are missing someone dear to you, please know I am not trying to “fix things” by sharing my faith with you. I’m not trying to put a “religous bandaid” on your pain and heartache. I am simply offering a hope that gets me out of bed each day. God gives me a hope that doesn’t necessarily lessen the pain, but does guarantee an ending to it. And the ending is a good one my friends… the ending is beautiful for those who trust & believe.

-A