Today Harper would be 7 months old. In honor of her, I would like to share her story with you from a father’s perspective. Much of this was written in the days and weeks following Harper’s birth and burial. It is still hard to read and relive even seven months later.

You can find Alexa’s perspective of Harper’s story HERE.

-E

The day started like any other day. I had changed up my morning chore schedule because we knew that after Harper came, we would not clean for a while. I woke up at the normal time, read my Bible, cleaned the shower and tubs, dusted, and emptied all the trashes. You know the important things in life… I packed my lunch and headed out the door. It was a normal day.

I got to work and started in right away. On Mondays we have a team meeting and I wanted to make sure I had completed most of my projects (or at least had an update). I listened to my Lauren Daigle station on Pandora, so that I could have some good worship music in the background while I worked.

I got a call back from Preston Trail Farms. That is where we were having Henry’s birthday party in early September. They went over their pricing and party options. I emailed Alexa all the details for the party and let her know they put us down for 11-1 on Sept. 1. You know the important things in life…

During our team meeting at 11, Alexa called me. I ignored it and I texted her back.

Me: “Weekly Meeting can I call you around 12? XOXO”

Alexa: “Yeah-I’m just not feeling her move really. Don’t know if I should call the dr”

Me: “Yes!”

Alexa: :-l

Me: “I’d rather check it’s ok than have any issues”

Alexa: “I think I may eat lunch and see if that does anything.”

Me: “Ok ”

I called her back after my meeting. I asked if eating lunch had helped Harper start moving. She said that it hadn’t. I asked if she called and made an appointment. She said that she had made an appointment for 2 PM. She said they were going to hook her up to a machine where she has to click a button every time she feels her move. Alexa said we did this with Hudson toward the end. I didn’t remember that, but knew that if my wife said it happened, then it for sure did because she always remembers stuff better than I did.

Knowing that it had happened to Hudson made me feel better because he had no complications and that test must have gone well, so what could there be to worry about? I thought to myself that maybe Alexa was overreacting or being extra anxious, but it is good that she is going to the doctor to get it checked out just in case.

I asked Alexa if she thought she wanted me at the appointment. She said she would like me to go watch the boys while she went. I said that I had suspicion that my work might do a surprise baby shower at 2 because they had moved a normal meeting for five of us into a room that holds about 24 people. Seemed weird to me. I also knew they had done a surprise shower when we had Henry, so kind of figured now would be the time to do it as Wednesday was my last day in the office. I asked her to see if the neighbors could come over while the boys napped. The neighbors had both watched the boys recently while we went to other appointments, so Alexa felt bad asking them again, but ended up asking one of them to watch the boys. The neighbor of course said she would so that Alexa could go to her appointment. I was glad I wouldn’t have to miss my potential surprise shower. You know the important things in life…

I got to work and continued my analysis of user accounts in our companies’ Learning Management System. I was trying to find out which source of users would have the least outliers in user accounts. Fun stuff… I saw my boss get back to her desk and ran in to her office. I let her know that Alexa was going to the doctor to get a check-up because she hadn’t felt Harper move in a while. I told her that just in case I needed to run out or something. She asked if everything was ok. I downplayed it and said that this same thing had happened with Hudson and Alexa was going in, just to be safe. My boss said that was fine and just to keep her updated.

I went back to my desk and started responding to customer support tickets. I wanted to try to catch up on tickets so that my coworkers would not be behind when I had to go on my Paternity Leave on Thursday. You know the important things in life… I probably went through five support tickets in 25 minutes. I packed up my bag except my computer in case I needed to run out. I still wasn’t sure why I would need to run out, but wanted to be prepared. I kind of figured if there was no heartbeat, then they would just do an emergency C-section and I’d want to get to Alexa and Harper quickly.

I slowly walked down the stairs to S1040. I either had a meeting or a surprise shower. Either way, I had a pit in my stomach waiting on Alexa’s news. I saw one of my coworkers through the window but the door was closed, so I pretended to be on my phone by the chairs. Another one of my coworkers walked out of the stairs, but I pretended I had not seen him. He snuck past me into the room. A minute later my boss came out and said that it was them in the meeting room. I walked in through the door. They all shouted “Surprise!” I acted like I was turning around and walking out. I went and sat down in the chair at the center of the table. There was cookie cake, cheddar popcorn, and chex mix. There was also a card for me. I opened it. It had money in it that people had donated. I said I would read all the signatures and comments later. I told them that the money would go toward diapers and maybe some cute clothes.

I had a slice of cookie cake and enough popcorn and chex mix for seconds and thirds. My coworkers asked about Harper. How did you pick out the name? “It had always been our girl name.” Where did you get Jane from? “We just thought it was a good name and our other two kids are H.J…Hudson James and Henry Jack.” You better send me a picture of Harper. “I will send a picture of her to Katie and make sure she distributes it to y’all.” My boss leaned over to me and apologized because she knew this is not where my mind was. My mind was with my wife sitting in the doctor’s office, while they test her to ensure that my daughter is still moving.

I texted Alexa at 2:27 PM. She had been at the doctor’s office for 27 minutes (and knowing her probably longer because she got there earlier than 2:00). “They did a shower for me! Now meeting but let me know how everything goes! I’ll step out to talk to you.” It had been this long and I hadn’t heard from her yet. That’s a good sign right? That means that they tested her and it was ok and she will call me after she leaves the appointment.

2:28 PM. The worst 19 seconds of my life. The phone rang. I started walking out of the room and picked up. “Hey babe. How did it go?” I’ll never forget how she sounded. “Babe. You need to come to the hospital.” I could hear the fear in her voice. I could hear the sorrow in her voice. I could hear the panic, anxiety, worry, and pain all in her voice. “Tara is driving me to the hospital. They couldn’t find her heartbeat babe.” “I’ll come now. I’m running out.” A 19 second phone call was all it took to turn my life upside down.

I went back to the table and grabbed my computer. I told my boss, “They can’t find a heartbeat.” She ran out of the room with me. On the way out, I asked my coworkers if they pray, then please pray. She told me I could just leave my computer and go. I said I would run and grab my stuff. I sprinted up the stairs and through the other desks to mine and grabbed my computer bag and put my computer in it. I saw my sonogram photo of Harper above my computer. I saw my pictures of Henry, Hudson, and Alexa there on my desk. 3 out of 4 members of my family, right? I didn’t even know what was about to happen.

I sprinted down the stairs and out of the building. Passing a few people coming back from smoking. They looked at me weird for sprinting, but I didn’t care. I sprinted down the stairs in the Parking garage. I sprinted to my car. I started driving out of the parking garage (probably a little faster than I should have). As I began my drive to the hospital, I knew I had to call my parents because they had planned to watch our boys. I called my mom. She didn’t answer because she was teaching. I called my dad. He picked up. I told him that Alexa was going to the hospital and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. He was calm as always. He told me that he would let mom know and that they would get ready to come, but to keep them updated. I struggled to get the words out as I told him to pray and reiterated that she didn’t have a heartbeat because I was crying so much.

After we hung up, I drove. I drove fast. I had my hazards on and I was weaving through traffic. It could have been 2 minutes or it could have been 20. I have no clue. My focus was just praying (really more shouting). Over and over again I asked God to help them find a heartbeat. To help my baby girl be ok. To take me not her. Trying to bargain with God for my daughter. I hoped something I could offer would change what was happening. Alexa called me again. She was still crying, but she just told me to drive safe. I told her that I was coming and I would see her when she got there. It is all a blur.

I was not paying too much attention because I drove right past the exit for the hospital. I took the next exit and made a U-Turn. At some point I had missed a call from my dad. I called him back. He asked if we needed them to come right now. I said yes. He asked who the kids were with. I told him they were with the neighbors right now. He said they would leave in about an hour.

I pulled up in front of the hospital. I would like to say I smoothly tossed my keys to the valet guy and ran inside, but instead I tried to get out and dropped my phone underneath my seat. I had to dig under the seat to get the phone. Then I fumbled the keys when handing them to the valet guy. He tried to hand me the ticket and I dropped that. Finally, I had my stuff and the valet guy had my keys (my entire key chain including both our cars and our house). I sprinted into the hospital and pressed the elevator button up to labor and delivery because I didn’t know where the stairs were.

I got off the elevator, passing by people. People excited to meet their granddaughter or grandson, niece or nephew, sister or brother. To the left was the window to the nursery. I ignored all of it and ran up to the desk. I am not sure what came out, but what I hoped to say was that my wife Alexa Van Hal, just came in and our daughter didn’t have a heartbeat. They said go down the hall and to the left. I sprinted down the hall and pressed the button to get access. They said something. I said something like, my wife Alexa Van Hal is in there and my daughter doesn’t have a heartbeat. They told me to come in. They said it was the room on the right. I ran in. My beautiful wife was there with tears running down her cheeks. The doctor had an ultrasound and was looking at our precious baby girl. Alexa just held out her hand and nodded. I grabbed it and knelt beside the bed to look at what the doctor was doing. Tears were running down my cheeks too.