This image may not mean a lot to you. To you, it may just look like a messy corner of my bedroom, but to me it is so much more.

You see, just 8 weeks ago those shelves were fully stocked with diapers, wipes, burp cloths, swaddle blankets, and everything else we might need for a newborn. Since this was my third pregnancy, through trial and error I had learned a great deal about what is needed in those early, sleep-deprived weeks. I knew the toll that having a new baby in the house would take on my body both physically and mentally, but none of that mattered. We were going to have our baby girl, Harper Jane, and our family would be complete.

But then Harper died.

My in laws were watching the boys while Eric and I were in the hospital delivering Harper. In the midst of my “grief fog” I asked if they would please take any baby-related items in the house and move them into Harper’s room. I couldn’t stand the thought of having to come home with empty arms and then also having to stare at the empty swing, bassinet, etc.

When we got home all of the baby items were gone, but our pain was not. Our pain was still clinging to us like a toddler who doesn’t want their mommy to drop them off in the church nursery. It’s grip on us was tight and we were exhausted.

As I walked into our bedroom, one of the first things I noticed were the empty shelves. They reminded me of my arms and my heart.

Empty.

In the days that followed, those shelves began to be used… not like they were ever intended to be though. As the outpouring of love from friends and family came washing over our family, the shelves were used to hold many of the sympathy cards we had received. In them were bible verses, prayers, and stories from others trying to relate to our grief.

The shelves were also filled with what I call my “sad books.” These were books written on stillbirth, infant loss, miscarriage, and just general grief. It’s both sad and amazing how many resources are out there for people dealing with these topics.

The top shelves slowly began to fill with the only pictures we have to cherish of our Harper. I don’t know how many copies of these I printed, but let’s just say the Costco photo center has a lot of our money. Many of the pictures were framed, some were shared with family and friends, and others were added to Harper’s baby book which also sits on the top shelf. I am still struggling with how exactly I am supposed to fill in a baby book with no baby to do all the cute things. I guess I will share more on that later.

Finally, on top of all of these items lies Harper’s “dead box.” I’m not really sure what the official term for it is, but that is what I have decided to call it. It was the box that she was placed in on her way from the hospital to the funeral home. I still feel so angry just thinking about her precious body leaving the hospital in that box. I mean, it’s a beautiful box, but not the way she was supposed to be carried out of those hospital doors. Not even close.

And oh yes! Don’t let me forget the crutches that are leaning up against these shelves. In an effort to train for the Hope Mommies 5k (www.ahomeyettocome.com/fivek), and let’s just be honest-lose weight instead of my mind, I started “running.” I am the furthest thing from a runner and use that term very loosely here. Well, it turns out that my body rejected the running and after visiting with an orthopedist I found out I have stress fractures in both of my knees. So yes, please pray for me as I attempt to raise my 4 year old and almost 2 year old on crutches for the next three weeks.

All of this to say, clearly my life is not at it’s best right now. Actually, I feel like it’s at the lowest it’s ever been. I feel crushed and exhausted and like I can’t catch a break.

But I still praise Him.

I feel like I am being attacked by the devil at all angles lately, but I will not be defeated. God’s got me. God sees me. God loves me. It’s through the strength of the Holy Spirit that I will push on. When I have every reason in the world to give up, I will stand strong.

You may think- Alexa is so brave, strong, courageous, etc.  No friends. I am weak. My strength does not come from my flesh. It is only through HIM that I continue on. My friend shared this verse with me recently and I want to share it with you. For anyone who is struggling with life right now… He’s got you. He sees you. He loves you. Believe it. Trust it. Keep the faith.

-A

“In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in the praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see him now, but believe in him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.”  --1 Peter 1:6-9