some of our first moments with Harper-
In the days following Harper’s birth, Eric and I felt compelled to start writing. We wanted to remember as many details of May 21st and 22nd as possible. I was still in shock when I wrote most of this. It is a very raw, detailed account of what happened to us those days.
Today Harper would be 2 months old. In memory of her, I would like to share part of her story on the 22nd of each month. If you read this till the end, bless you.
-A
Monday, May 21, 2018-
The worst day of my life. It started out like any typical Monday would. Eric went to work, the boys got up around 7:30 and had their oatmeal. Being 38.5 weeks pregnant, I was physically exhausted but wanted to make one of the last days with ‘just my boys’ an enjoyable one. A new splash pad area had just opened and I knew Hudson and Henry would have a BLAST, so we decided to go. Taking a 4 year old and 21 month old to a splash pad is similar to running a marathon. The swimsuits, swim diapers, towels, water bottles, snacks, sunscreen....the list goes on and on. I was completely exhausted before we had even left the house, but like I said- I wanted our last day before baby sister to be memorable.
We made it to the splash pad and the boys loved it even more than I thought they would. The whole time we were there I kept imagining how our lives would be changing in just a few short days. How in the world would I survive the summer with THREE KIDS?? Hudson, my 4 year old, is such a sweet boy and so helpful, but his little brother Henry is a different story. Henry is just 21 months and keeps us on our toes for sure. How was I going to be able to get out of the house with all three of my babies? How would I be able to keep being a ‘fun mom’ instead of a mom who wanted to hibernate at home? I knew how challenging having a newborn could be- the lack of sleep, constant feedings, blowouts, etc. I simply did not have much faith in my mothering skills, but trusted that God would not give me “more than I could handle.”
On the way home that morning, I started thinking more and more about the fact that my baby girl had not been very active lately. I had become accustomed to her playful kicks and frequent hiccups. They were my favorite part of pregnancy by far. Once we were home and I had made lunch for the boys, I sat down to rest-still not feeling movement from my baby girl. If you know me at all, you know that I can be the type to overreact in many situations. I tried to calm my mind and tell myself she was just sleeping. Maybe she was running out of so much room that movements weren’t very possible anymore. I remember pushing gently on my stomach to get some sort of reaction out of her. Still nothing. I laid down on my left side and tried to relax. Usually lying down would prompt some sort of movement from her. Still nothing.
I called Eric at work and told him I was starting to worry about her. He wanted me to call my doctor right away, but I told him I was sure it was nothing. Honestly, I think I was trying to convince myself of that more than anything. I told him that I would eat my lunch and drink some diet Pepsi. Maybe getting some caffeine & sugar in my system would spark some kind of movement from my baby girl. I ate. Still nothing.
Dialing the number to my doctor’s office was something I did not want to do. As I scrolled through my contacts looking for the number, I kept telling myself- it’s nothing. Everything is going to be fine. Maybe my amniotic fluid is low. Maybe she really is out of room to move. Maybe...
They told me to come in at 2 pm for a stress test. Ironically, this was the exact time that Eric’s coworkers had a surprise baby shower planed for him. I really didn’t want him to miss out on that, so I asked our neighbor to come sit with the boys while they napped and I headed to the doctor. Right before I left the house, I put the boys down for a nap. Saying goodbye to them felt odd. As if I knew that the next time I saw them would be different. I then spent a few minutes tidying up our house and taking a quick shower. It was as if I somehow subconsciously knew that I would not be coming back home. I even grabbed my hospital bag and Harper’s diaper bag on my way out. In that moment, in my mind the worst thing that could happen is that there would be a slow heartbeat or some other stress on the baby that would require an induction.
I drove to my doctor’s office in silence. I don’t really remember much of the drive, but I do remember calling my Nanny. She has always been so available and loving to me-willing to pray for me and my family. She told me surely it was nothing, but that it was a good idea to have it checked out. Walking into my doctor’s office had become a usual routine. I was asked to leave a urine sample, was weighed, and had my blood pressure taken. The nurse walked me back to a room with a large recliner. There was a machine sitting next to it with a number of cords and wires waiting to be hooked up to me. The nurse squirted some gel on my stomach and started searching for Harper’s heartbeat. She was having a pretty hard time finding it and kept apologizing for getting the gel all over my stomach. The gel was the last thing on earth that I cared about. Where was my baby’s heartbeat? Either this nurse missed one too many classes in nursing school and had no clue what she was doing, or this was really bad. She literally tried for about 20 minutes to find Harper’s heartbeat. The only heartbeat she could find was my own. She asked me to wait for a moment and left the room. Seconds later, the nurse practitioner came racing into the room. I will never forget the look on her face. It was as if she knew. She immediately started moving the monitor around my stomach. She tried every angle you can imagine and even asked me to lay on my side. My heart began racing faster than it ever had before. The next 8 words she spoke to me will be forever in my memory- “We need to get you to the hospital.”
At this point my mind was racing almost as quickly as my heart rate. I could barely stand up out of the chair. The nurse asked if she could drive me and I said yes. As she rushed to grab her purse, I felt my body begin to tremble. She put her arm around me as we walked down the hall towards her car. Tears started to stream down my face. “This is really bad, isn’t it?” I asked her. “It’s bad. Yeah, it’s bad sweetie.” she said.
As soon as we got in the car, I knew that I needed to make the hardest call of my life. I had to somehow tell my husband that they weren’t able to find a heartbeat. That they were driving me to the hospital. That it wasn’t good. Our conversation in that moment is such a blur to me now. I remember the quivering of his voice. I remember telling him that it would be ok and to please drive safely. I remember telling him that I loved him.
The drive to the hospital from my doctor’s office was probably 10 minutes max, but it seemed like so much longer. I could tell my nurse was trying to keep me calm. She asked me about the last couple of days and when I had last felt the baby kick. I was speechless.
We parked in a handicap spot at the hospital and rushed inside. The lady at the labor/delivery check in desk stopped us as we rushed by. She needed my driver’s license and insurance card. I pulled them out of my wallet, hands shaking, and passed them to her. She then proceeded to ask when my last menstrual period was. I told her that I had absolutely no clue-how could I possibly think of that in a moment like this? How dare she ask me such a silly question. How in the world did that even matter at this point?
The nurses walked me straight back to the triage room. They tried one more time, unsuccessfully, to find the heartbeat before calling my doctor in. He had just finished a c-section delivery and was able to come right over. My entire body became numb as they squirted more ultrasound gel on my stomach. Everyone in the room had a look of panic on their faces. My nurse squeezed my hand and I squeezed my eyes shut. I could feel the monitor being moved around my stomach, but my doctor wasn’t speaking. I knew that was an awful sign. At this point, I realized what was about to happen and I realized that I needed my husband by my side more than anything. Eric burst through the door at that very moment. His whole body was shaking as he rushed to my side and grabbed my hand. Tears began to stream down both of our faces.
“I’m sorry guys- something happened to the baby.” -Dr. Weinstein.
-A
*read part II of Harper's story HERE*
