As I lay here trying to remember every last detail of my sweet Harper, a phrase keeps easing it’s way into my thoughts.
It’s not fair.
It’s not fair that Harper died.
It’s not fair that her cord tightened into a knot.
It’s not fair that I had to push out my baby-dead.
It’s not fair that I never got to hear her cry.
It’s not fair that I never got to look into her eyes.
It’s not fair that I had to hand her off to a funeral home.
It’s not fair that I had to leave the hospital without a baby in my arms.
It’s not fair that we had to come home to her nursery- prefect, but empty.
It’s not fair that we had to plan her funeral.
It’s not fair that we had to design her headstone.
It’s not fair that we had to drive around town looking for the best cemetery plot.
It's not fair that we had to bury her.
It’s not fair that my sons don’t get the little sister they were so excited for.
It’s not fair that my husband doesn’t get to take her on a daddy/daughter date.
It’s not fair that I don’t get the opportunity to form a relationship with my only daughter.
It’s not fair that I have had to make trips to Target to return diapers we won’t use.
It’s not fair that the only things I have left of my daughter are things- material items.
It’s not fair that the pictures we have of her are the only pictures we will ever have of her.
It’s not fair that I don’t get to take her shopping for a prom dress.
It’s not fair that I don’t get to give her boy advice.
It’s not fair that she will never invite me to go wedding dress shopping with her.
It’s not fair that she will never have my grandchildren.
It’s not fair that I wake up each morning to the reminder that she is gone.
It’s not fair that I will miss her for the rest of my earthly life.
It’s not fair that other people get to hold their babies and I have to go to a cemetery to feel any sense of closeness to mine.
It’s not fair that babies keep dying.
It’s not fair that people don’t talk about miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss.
It’s not fair.
And as I try to push all of these awful thoughts out of my mind, I begin to consider the most unfair thing of all. It is this:
It is unfair that I have the ability to remain hopeful in Christ.
That might sound strange to some, but the more I think on this the more it rings true for me. I am a sinner. As such, I deserve to experience the sufferings of this world. I deserve to get sick. I deserve to feel pain. I deserve to experience loss. I deserve to feel a longing that this earth will never satisfy.
This is not how God intended it to be.
Sin entered the world in the garden of Eden and has been running rampant ever since. If you are unfamiliar with the story that plays out in the first several chapters of Genesis, I encourage you to open your Bible or reach out to me. It is a story of love, but it is also a story of disobedience and heartbreak. God desired man to live happy and sinless in a beautiful place. He desired that man love Him and honor Him by obeying His commands. When that didn’t happen, sin entered the world- along with death, pain, and all kinds of suffering.
As creations of God, that is what was fair…
but God in his graciousness and mercy sent us Jesus, His son, perfect and blameless, to die on a cross for us. The death of the only perfect man to ever walk this Earth was the payment for sin to everyone who chooses to believe.
Because of Jesus’ sacrifice, we have another chance. We have the chance to accept Him as our savior and one day live in Heaven with Him for eternity. Because of Jesus I know that I will be with Harper in a beautiful place God has prepared for me. Because of Jesus, I have the ability to hope in my home yet to come.
In this world, everyone will suffer- good people, bad people, Christians, atheists, male, female, children, adults. Trusting in Christ does not take away your ability suffer, but it does allow you to suffer with hope. It allows you to trust in the fact that God’s will and plan for your life is perfect whether or not it feels that way at the moment.
So when I feel betrayed and abandoned and defeated, I turn my eyes to the cross. The death of Jesus on that cross was the last thing I ever deserved, the last thing that was fair, but it was done for me. It was done for Harper. It was done for you. If you are searching for hope in this crazy, messed up world, you can find it in Him. I’d love to introduce you.
-A
"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us. For the creation eagerly waits with anticipation for God's sons to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to futility- not willingly, but because of him who subjected it- in the hope that the creation itself will also be set free from the bondage to decay into the glorious freedom of God's children. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together with labor pains until now. Not only that, but we who have the Spirit as the first-fruits- we also groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for adoption, the redemption of our bodies. Now in this hope we are saved, but hope that is seen is not hope, because who hopes for what he sees? Now if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with patience." -Romans 8:18-25