AVOIDED CONVERSATIONS

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I don’t want anyone to bring it up or ask me about it.  I just want to come in and work.

This was my sentiment when I went back to work.  I told my boss to let our team know that I don’t want to talk about what happened to Harper.  I think I did this for several reasons.

I think I was afraid of showing emotions.  I did not want to start crying while explaining what had happened.  I did not want to downgrade my professionalism.  I did not want to change the way people viewed me.  I always have to be happy, joking Eric, right?

I think I was afraid of what people might say.  People just don’t know what to say and sometimes when they don’t know what to say, they say dumb things.  I did not want anyone to ask if we thought we would have another kid.  I did not want anyone to tell me that it would get better with time.  I did not want anyone to tell me that I was lucky to have the boys.

I think I was afraid of wasted time in having these conversations.  I did not want to retell the entire story 10 times to 10 different people and then my entire day in the office was gone and I accomplished nothing.

But here is the deal, I needed to talk about Harper.  She is my daughter.  That beautiful baby girl was here in our arms.  Just sweeping what happened under the rug at work to save face or prevent showing feelings prevented Harper’s story from being told.  If I don’t talk about it then people might forget I have a daughter.

So please feel free to ask me about my perfect, beautiful baby girl who just happens to live with Jesus instead of at our house.  I would love to tell anyone her story.

I would encourage anyone who is afraid of all the things above in their story, using them as excuses so they don’t have to share, just forget about those fears.  Show your emotions because even though it might be awkward in the moment, you had something sad happen so you can be sad.  Don’t worry about what people might say because people are going to say dumb stuff whether you want them to talk to you or not.  Don’t worry about wasting time.  If you are truly too busy just schedule a time to talk about it so that you can tell that story.

Harper is my baby girl.  I miss her.  I cry often because I miss her.  If you don’t know what to say, just ask about her.  Don’t feel obligated to talk about Harper just because I wrote this, but just know if you ever want to you can.  I want to talk about her.