Today Harper would be 9 months old. In honor of her, I would like to share her story with you from a father’s perspective. Much of this was written in the days and weeks following Harper’s birth and burial. It is still hard to read and relive even nine months later.
You can read A Father’s Perspective Part I HERE & Part II HERE.
You can find Alexa’s perspective of Harper’s story HERE.
-E
Tuesday, May 22…The worst day of my life (or was Monday May 21 the worst day? They were both pretty horrible days) Happy Anniversary?
I got two good almost two hour stretches of sleep during the night. Finally around 5 AM, as I was lying there with my eyes open, Alexa whispered “Are you awake.” I said I was and Alexa decided that we were up for the day. I told her Happy Anniversary and we both just kind of rolled our eyes at each other. We turned the lights on and around 5:45, the nurse checked Alexa and found she was 5 cm dilated. I texted the photographer and told her to come.
I texted my dad around 6 and asked him to call me. I talked to him and told him that we wanted him to bring just Hudson up after breakfast so we could tell him what was happening. He asked when they should get him up. I said they can get him up around 7, so he can eat breakfast and come up. A couple of Alexa’s friends texted me and asked “How is Alexa?” and “We are praying over you guys. Any news?” I didn’t even take the time to respond. Mostly because I didn’t know how to respond…
Alexa really began to feel pressure and said she needed to push. The nurses called the doctor. Alexa was in pain, but had to wait for the doctor. The nurses were just telling her he was on the way, but she kept saying that she couldn’t wait. The hospital got a couple extra nurses just in case she couldn’t wait for the doctor. It took about 20-25 minutes for the doctor to get there, and a few checks by the nurses to see how close he was, but he finally made it in.
Alexa was pushing and the nurses were counting. It felt like the same thing as when Hudson and Henry were born. I was still hoping that a miracle would happen and she would come out and start crying.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, Harper Jane Van Hal was born at 7:15 AM. They immediately took her and gave her to Alexa. I looked at her and she was beautiful. Alexa just lay there holding her with her eyes closed. Alexa said she couldn’t look. I didn’t make her. I just kept telling her how beautiful she was.
The doctor held up the umbilical cord. He said, “Here is the tight knot in the cord. And the cord was extra long for some reason.” I saw the knot and could not believe that one big knot in the umbilical cord could take my daughter away from me. I did not cut the umbilical cord this time like I did with the other two children, and that is something I regret. I didn’t even think to ask to do it, like I had with the boys, but now Harper is the one child I did not cut the umbilical cord on.
I kept just looking at Harper and put my hand on Alexa’s hand and Harper’s body. Alexa and I just cried off and on as we held our baby girl.
After the doctor had cleaned everything up, he came and talked to us. I honestly don’t remember what he said, but he was very comforting through this entire process.
I finally looked at my phone and called my dad about 10 minutes after Harper was born and told him to bring everyone up, not just Hudson. I still didn’t know how we would tell Hudson… That would be one of the hardest things because he had been asking every day for months, “How many days till sister comes?” He said they would be up in about 30 minutes.
I had a text from the photographer that she was at the hospital.
Our pastor had texted and said that he was praying for us. He said to let him know when we would like him and the Pastoral care staff to come. Our neighbor had texted and said he was praying for us. He also said to let him know if he can do anything to help.
We had the photographer come back and when she got in the room and got her camera out, she began taking pictures. We could tell how much our photographer cared about us because as she was taking the pictures, she was crying most of the time. Our photographer was kind enough to stay for about four hours taking pictures of our sweet little Harper.
I texted the person who would do the hand prints/foot prints in clay and let her know that we wanted to do two jewelry dishes. She said that she would be up shortly for us.
After Alexa and I spent some more time alone with Harper, my dad finally texted that they were here. The nurse said that she would take Harper to bathe her. We decided this would be good so that we could tell Hudson what happened before he saw Harper. We were about to have the hardest conversation of our lives…
I walked down the long hallway to the lobby. Of course there were other grandparents and kids in the lobby waiting to see their new arrival, while I had to get my son to tell him that we would not be bringing his sister home. Hudson and Henry were so happy to see me. I told my parents that I was going to take Hudson first and then come back and get Henry.
Hudson was so happy. All I said was that we were going to go see Mama. Luckily at that point he didn’t ask about seeing his sister. I don’t know what I would have done. He held my hand as we walked back to the room. He came into the room and looked around and saw Alexa and ran over to her bed. I picked him up and put him on the bed. We told him that we wouldn’t get to bring Harper home because something happened in Mama’s tummy and she died and went to Heaven to be with Jesus. He looked at us and said, “What? Noo…” We just had to keep telling him that we can’t bring her home. Trying to explain Heaven and death to a four year old is not a fun task. This whole conversation was a terrible experience. The fact that my four year old son had to deal with losing his sister. That all of his hopes and excitement of seeing his baby sister have been dashed. That the countdown he had for the past three months was over without being able to bring his sister home. Once we had explained it to him several times, we told him that he could see her. That just got more confusing because then we had to explain that her soul was in Heaven, but her body was here.
The nurse came back in with Harper and Hudson got to see her for the first time. I still remember that he pulled back the blanket covering her arms and started counting her fingers. I remember how he said, “Mama, you said her body was here, but her head is here too.” He sat on the chair and got to hold her and I just sat by him and thought of how great a big brother he would have been for her and how he would have protected her. I think seeing Harper gave Hudson more of a peace about what had happened, even though he hadn’t fully understood it.
I went to the lobby to get Henry. I didn’t think that Henry would understand anything, although he had gotten to a point where we would ask where sister was and he would point to Mama’s tummy, so he at least understood that he had a sister. I walked with him from the lobby back to the room. He also was excited to see Mama when he walked into the room. I held him up to see Harper as Mama held her. We had him give her a kiss, but he did not understand it.
Finally, I went and got my parents. They came back with their stuff and put it down when they walked into the room. They came over to Alexa and gave her a hug and then looked at their beautiful granddaughter. We told them all the things that had transpired over the last 18 hours since this was the first time we had seen them. We spent a few more minutes with them and the boys (who were enjoying Nutter Butter cookies) and then they left to take the boys to school. We had the boys give Harper a kiss as this was the last time that they would see their sister.
As they were leaving, the hospital chaplain was coming into the room. She stayed and talked to us for a good while. She was especially talking to Alexa about everything. She was telling her that she needs to get into a support group to ensure she gets the care she needs. She told us that if we wanted she could do any sort of religious ceremony that we wanted (baptism, Catholic last rites, etc.) We declined those. She was probably in our room about 30 minutes encouraging us and chatting with us. Looking back, we kind of wish we didn’t “waste” that time we had with our daughter. On her way out the chaplain asked me what I do to get anger out. I said running. She said do whatever I need to get my emotions out, like beat a tire with a hose (I didn’t even know that was a thing).
After she left, the lady who was doing the prints in clay came in to get Harper’s foot prints and hand prints. She did a great job getting those prints of Harper, a physical remembrance of our baby girl.
My parents came back after dropping the boys off for school. They came to the room to spend more time with us. We let them have time holding Harper and spending time with her while we “ate” lunch. We weren’t really hungry but knew we had to eat something. They got to hold her and I could tell it was especially hard on my dad who rarely shows emotion, but I saw it in that moment and that was hard for me.
My parents then went to eat in the hospital cafeteria. Alexa and I got to spend more time with Harper, just the two of us.
I called our Young Married minister to try to figure out the funeral home stuff. He said that he would have a member of the Pastoral care team call me. That person called me and recommended a few funeral homes. He went over the available dates for a funeral service. I told him our funeral home options and he told us that we should go with the one that felt best.
After I got off the phone with the pastor, Alexa and I decided on the funeral home. I called them and asked them about our options and costs, etc. It is hard to discuss these things as my wife is holding Harper in her arms, but I got through it and we decided on that funeral home and that we would bury her, not cremate her.
My parents came back after lunch and each held Harper one more time. For the last time. They then left to get the boys from school. They sent us some pictures of the boys in beach chairs and with their teachers since it was their last day of school. It was amazing to see that the boys were still able to have a normal day at school.
Alexa and I knew our time with Harper was winding down. She was slowly deteriorating (she had a few spots that her skin was tearing a little bit and we did not want to remember her that way. We tried to take some selfies with Harper. We tried to think of any pictures we would want or anything we would like to do with her as we literally would not get to hold her again. I took a picture of her hand wrapped around my finger. I danced with her in the room as I knew that was not something I would get to do with her, like I should.
When the nurse came in again, my wife asked the best question ever. She asked the nurse if we could go down to the chapel so I could walk Harper down the aisle. The nurse said she would check with her supervisor if they could make that work. She came back shortly after and said that they could do that. They got Alexa a wheelchair and snuck us down the back elevator. As we were walking down the hall to the chapel, two people made stupid comments. A doctor or nurse walking by said, “For me…Thanks!” and reached his hands out towards Alexa. Another nurse said “Congratulations” as we walked by. I guess it is a weird thing to wheel your daughter through the hospital if she is not alive and we can’t really expect them to know that, but that’s what we did…
We got to the chapel and closed the doors. Alexa gave Harper a kiss and handed her to me. The nurses wheeled Alexa to the front of the chapel. Alexa found a version of the “Here comes the Bride” song and played it. The two nurses videoed and took pictures for us. I walked my daughter down the short aisle in the chapel and absolutely lost it. I stood at the front of the chapel and thought about everything I would miss with having my daughter, not just walking her down the aisle. I thought about the things that I would never get to do in that time. No dance recitals. No sports games. No daddy-daughter date nights. No meeting her date for prom. No graduations. No dropping her off at college. No walking her down the aisle. No seeing her have children. Nothing… I hunched over and I wept while that “Here comes the bride” song continued playing. I looked at Alexa and she was crying too. I stood there for what seemed like hours just weeping while I waited for the song to end. After we composed ourselves slightly, we went back through the hospital to our room.
Our time was running out with our daughter. Alexa and I knew we had to give her away soon. I ignored a phone call from a number I didn’t know. It ended up being our pastor but at this moment, I wanted to focus on my final minutes with my daughter. We just held her and looked at each other, not knowing what else to do. We both said goodbye and called the nurse. She came and got our daughter. We made sure she would keep everything she had on and that the funeral home would keep everything for us too. And just like that there were only two of us in the room.
