Today Harper would be 11 months old. In honor of her, I would like to share the last part of her story with you from a father’s perspective. Much of this was written in the days and weeks following Harper’s birth and burial. It is still hard to read and relive even ten months later.
You can read A Father’s Perspective Part I HERE , Part II HERE, Part III HERE, & Part IV HERE
You can find Alexa’s perspective of Harper’s story HERE.
-E
Thu 5/24 continued
At the mall, we ended up getting a new shirt and tie for me, and some jewelry for Alexa. We looked for a suit and tie for the boys, but could not find one that would fit them in any of the stores. I called Men’s Wearhouse and other stores to see if they had anything. One store had a set for each of the boys. I called my parents to ask if they could drive there to get them. They said they would after lunch.
We ended up going back to Dillards, where we entered. My wife was a trooper. She was still supposed to be recovering in the hospital, but she just walked an entire mall. We went to the children’s section and actually found the boys some clothes that would be perfect right where we started. I called my parents to tell them they did not need to go to Men’s Wearhouse. We got the clothes and finally left the mall.
We drove to Costco to order pictures. We ordered a large photo of Harper, Alexa, and me. We also ordered prints and dvd’s of every picture we had for our parents. They told us when they would be ready and we left for our next task.
We were driving to the funeral home next to finalize all the details. We stopped at Cane’s to eat lunch. Once again, we didn’t really feel like eating, but knew we had to. We got to the funeral home and said hello to the staff there. They took us to a room and when we walked in the open casket was sitting right there with no warning. It was slightly unexpected and we had to gather ourselves. The slideshow they had created of pictures of Harper and songs we had chosen was playing. Alexa and I went and sat down on the couch across the room from the casket. We sat with tears running down our cheeks for a short while. We finally mustered up the courage to go see our baby girl.
She looked so peaceful lying there in the casket. They had put several things in the casket that we had asked them to put in there. The bracelet Alexa wore in our wedding, Harper’s blanket, and a small purse for her as well. Alexa also brought a bear that we had gotten for her and the veil Alexa wore in our wedding to add to the casket. She would have offered for Harper to use the veil in her wedding one day, but now that she wouldn’t have a wedding, she still wanted Harper to have it. The piano hymns that we had chosen for the slideshow were playing as we stood there holding each other and looking at our sweet baby girl. We just stood and cried for so long. She looked so peaceful and so beautiful. It just was hard to think that we should be holding her in our arms and instead we were making sure her casket looked ok.
After a bit, we walked over and grabbed the programs they had printed for us. We looked to make sure everything looked right. The owner of the funeral home came in and greeted us. This was the first time we had met him. He said that we could take all the time we needed. We sat for awhile and talked about other tasks we had to complete before the funeral. We then got up and gave our baby girl a kiss. We asked the funeral home to add the veil to the casket for us.
We left the funeral home and drove to look at the cemetery again. We had to decide which plot we wanted for Harper. Our pastor called back. I talked to him briefly. He was just calling to check in on us and let us know that they are there if we need anything. While we were at the cemetery I called Costco to find out if our pictures were ready. They said they were so I asked my dad to go to Costco and pick them up for us. As we drove through the cemetery we decided that we wanted to pick the back of the cemetery by a cross that had been put up by a local church. It was beautiful back there and there were not many graves yet. There was also another little girl who had died shortly before birth. We liked to think that they were friends in Heaven. We called the funeral home to let them know what we had picked.
We then drove to Hobby Lobby. We wanted to get a frame for the large picture of Harper that we had bought to display at the funeral. Alexa went to the bathroom when we got there. She texted me and said she wanted a wheelchair. She had clearly overdone it today and just needed to rest a little. I got a wheelchair and brought it back to her. We went to the framing section and asked several questions to the guy there. He told us that our picture was not a common size, but he could cut a custom matte for us to put in any frame. As he was measuring and cutting we thanked him and explained why we needed this picture. He said that he had lost a baby as well. It was interesting to see how God put this guy there at this time to talk to us. He made sure to give us the best deal he could on the frame and we thanked him. He took the frame up front for us since I was pushing Alexa in the wheelchair.
We then went to look at the fake flowers. This would be the start of our love for fake flowers. We picked out some nice flowers to put at Harper’s grave once she was buried. We then went to checkout. While the cashier was ringing up our purchases, one employee told us that we looked stressed. (Not the greatest thing to say to anyone by the way, let alone us.) We explained to him that our daughter had just died and we were buying things for her funeral. He apologized and said he would be praying for us. After checking out he carried the picture frame to the car for us.
We then drove home after this long day. We had all we needed for the funeral of our baby girl the next day. Once home we ate a quick dinner that one of our friends had provided. We then tried the new clothes on the boys. I gave them a bath and put them to bed.
Before we put Hudson to bed, we both talked to him about Harper and how she was in Heaven. He asked how he could get to Heaven. We told him that he had to admit he was bad and a sinner and ask Jesus to come into his heart as his Savior. He said that he wanted to do that so he could get to Heaven too. Right there in this terrible time, we prayed for our oldest son to accept Christ. One of the best times of our life in such a hard time of our lives.
After putting them to bed, we pivoted to making sure our clothes were ready the next day. It turned out that the store had forgotten to take the security tag off of my shirt. Alexa, my parents, and I tried to find a way to remove it. We got magnets. We tried to saw it off using a Dremel. Alexa sent a video of someone who burned it off. We tried to burn it off. Finally, we decided that the blue ink was either not in there or it had been burned away. We just got pliers and pried it off. My mom ironed our clothes and that was the end of the day.
Alexa and I once again lay in bed and talked for a little while and then fell asleep before one of the hardest things we would do the next day. We were going to bury our daughter.
FRI 5/25 The day we have to say goodbye for now.
We woke up early this morning. We wanted to ensure we were ready and got there early.
We slowly got ready and got ourselves dressed. We got the boys up to eat breakfast. We had a lot to get before we left. We had to make sure we had the few things we wanted to put in her casket. We needed to grab the large picture frame with her picture. We needed to take the flowers we were going to leave for her at the grave. We needed to bring her baby book that was now to be used as a guest book. Luckily, Alexa is good at remembering all of this and thinking of what we need to remember, even in our situation.
While we got ready that morning, the pastor texted me, “Eric, praying for you and Alexa this morning. We are going to honor that sweet girl’s memory and honor Jesus. Praying for you as you share the hope of Jesus today.” This was a very encouraging text for me as I knew this day was going to be hard.
We drove to Taco Cabana on the way to church to get some breakfast. We ate it while we drove.
We pulled up to the chapel at the church. Our families were waiting for us in the church. They came out and helped us carry everything in. We went into the fireside room and waited. The DVD of Harper’s pictures were playing in there. We watched that and talked to our family. I looked into the chapel where our friends were practicing the songs they were about to sing for our baby girl. The casket was open at the front of the chapel.
I went to find the funeral home guy. I told him we wanted the casket closed here and opened at the graveside service at the cemetery. He understood and went to close the casket. I went back to the fireside room.
One of the pastor’s wife said that she would take care of the boys if we didn’t want them in the service. We said that we wanted them in there, but she could take Henry out if he started getting restless. We took a few pictures with us and the boys and then took pictures with our larger family who came.
Finally, the pastor came in and prayed with us. It was time for us to go into the chapel…
We walked into the hallway and then I was holding Henry’s hand and Alexa was holding Hudson’s hand. We walked to the front of the chapel and filed into our seats. I was marching to the front where my baby girl was in a box. I looked at the casket and it all felt so surreal. We were supposed to be in the hospital with our newborn baby girl today, but instead we were burying her. The pastor welcomed everyone and then prayed. While the pastor was speaking and praying, Henry got restless so the pastor's wife came and got Henry and took him out of the service. Our friends then sang a song for us. It is called Matthew’s song and is about someone losing a child.
Then it was time for me to go and speak. I walked up the steps past our daughter’s casket and stood at the pulpit. Alexa followed me up there. I didn’t know she was going to come up there with me, but it was great to have her by my side. I don’t know what came out of my mouth, but I tried to communicate the fact that I had been praying for Harper since the day we found out that we were pregnant. I had been praying that God would use her for His Kingdom. I was unsure how he would do that through this tragedy. I tried to share the Gospel for anyone who was in the audience who was not a believer. I made it through without crying too much.
After I spoke, we went down and stood at her casket while our friend sang Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman. It is a song about a daughter coming to her father and asking him to dance during several stages of her life. We stood at her casket and prayed and cried while the song was sung. I thought about all of those potential memories stolen from me. The times that I would not get to dance with my baby girl. After the song we went and sat back down.
The pastor then shared the message of the service. He spoke about Jesus walking on the water in Matthew 14. I don't remember much about the message or the application, but I do remember that he looked at us during the message. It was as if he was speaking right to us and making sure that we knew the message was for us.
After the message, our friends sang one more song. The song Held by Natalie Grant starts with a line about taking a child from her mother while she prays. These songs were all chosen by us after looking for and listening to many options and we feel we made good decisions.
Finally, the pastor prayed and we filed out of the chapel, leaving our daughter at the front. We went into the hallway. All the people filed out after us and greeted us as they left the chapel. Many of the people there were Alexa’s friends who I did not know well, but they still gave me a hug and thanked me for being strong. Many of my friends came through the line as well. Some of my coworkers even made it to the funeral and I appreciated that.
Once everyone had come through, the pastor came and told us that we needed to head out to the cemetery. We got all of our stuff and headed to the car. We didn’t see them load Harper in the hearse, but we pulled out and got in line behind the hearse. In the hearse we were able to see the top of the casket and the flower spread that was on top of it.
As we pulled away I turned on the flashers and started the drive. We had a motorcycle escort to take us the 45 minutes to the cemetery. We pulled out of the church parking lot and began the longest drive of my life. I just drove and watched the top of the casket and flowers in the hearse ahead of me. I couldn’t believe this. My daughter was in a box in a car in front of me instead of in a car seat in the back.
Once we got about 15 minutes away from the cemetery, the storm clouds were getting extremely dark. The motorcycle escort tried to keep our 10 car procession together but on one highway we got separated. Besides being frustrated that the motorcycle procession lost most of our procession, my wife was also looking at the weather app and showing me the large storms headed toward the cemetery. I told her not to show me because there was nothing we could do about it. Finally at the exit off the highway, we were able to get everyone back together in the processional which took a little bit of the stress off of me.
We drove the rest of the way to the cemetery and parked the car near the hole in the ground where Harper would be buried. We got out and got the boys out of their car seats. Our dads got the casket out of the hearse and walked toward the tent covering Harper’s cemetery plot. The vase sitting on the table blew over as the wind picked up. One of the funeral home employees set it back up on the table. Our dads set the casket on the table and we all sat down under the tent.
The pastor said a few words and prayed. We then had the casket opened so that our family who had gone up to the cemetery with us could say their goodbyes to Harper. They all filed through as the wind picked up and the funeral home employees and other family members joined in holding up the tent. Finally, it was our turn to go up to the table to say our final goodbye to our daughter. This was the last time that I would see her on this side of Heaven. Henry gave her a kiss. Hudson put a car in her casket that he had chosen that she would like and gave her a kiss. It was a pink car from the Cars movie. He left a car on the table that we asked the funeral home people to put by the grave once she was buried. Alexa and I put a picture of our family all together to put inside the casket too. Alexa and I said our goodbyes last. By now the funeral home people were holding the casket open and everyone was helping to hold the tent in place as the wind blew like crazy. We did not get to spend as much time as we would have liked saying goodbye because of the weather, but we both gave her a kiss. I could not hold back my tears and grief in this moment. It was my last sight of my daughter for years…
We said goodbye and then walked away. We walked to our car. The rain was sprinkling down now. I didn’t mind. The combination of the tears and the rain just embodied the flood of emotions I was feeling and the waves of grief that would undoubtedly come. That was the last time I would see my daughter before I got to Heaven.
We got in the car and started to drive away, but the funeral home’s car was in the way. One of the funeral home employees ran over and pulled it out of the way. I looked over and they were starting to put the dirt on my daughter’s casket. We pulled out of the cemetery and drove through the torrential downpour on the way to church to have a meal provided by our friends.
All of our family and a few friends were at the church. We had Olive Garden catered. We ate, but the food did not have the usual deliciousness. It was just food. The boys ran around the room playing with their cousin. We talked to the family and friends who made it. I talked to my Grandma about when she lost my Grandpa and when she lost their son, my Uncle Steve and how she dealt with all of those emotions. Once we were done eating and having cake, we played Harper’s slideshow. It was still just as beautiful, yet gut-wrenching as before.
We said our goodbyes to everyone and loaded all of the flowers and plants into our car. We drove home and it was just us. Just our four living family members there at home. We laid the boys down for a nap and Alexa and I got in bed too. It was just us. No crying baby. No late-night feedings. Just us in our sadness.
This is our story. We will continue to write it. We will continue to look forward to Heaven. We will continue to be grateful for what Jesus did for us. But we will still be sad. We will still long for our baby girl.