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STAGES OF GRIEF: ANGER

I will be doing 5 different posts on the five stages of grief and how I have expressed them and try to deal with them.  I hope that this is helpful to anyone who may currently be in the stage of grief outlined in the post.  The stages of grief are not a straight line, and they don’t always go in order.  They are like waves.  They may come in rapid succession, or they may come less often, but crash much harder and be much larger.  I decided that I probably went through all five stages in the first night that we found out that Harper did not have a heartbeat.  Please join me on this journey through these five stages and my thoughts. 

You can look back on my previous post on denial HERE.


Merriam-Webster defines anger as “a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism.”  Well, I guess I need to define antagonism too now.  Antagonism is “actively expressed opposition or hostility.”  Anger causes displeasure and hostility to manifest itself to those you love and those around you if it is not dealt with in a healthy way.

Ephesians 4:26-27 says, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.”  Paul is referencing Psalm 4:4, in which David is reminiscing back to when God relieved from his distress.  David says, “Be angry and do not sin; ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.” 

In this passage, Paul is saying that we are allowed to be angry.  We just have to be conscious not to sin in our anger.  We also need to ensure our anger is righteous anger and not unrighteous anger.  When God asked Cain why he was angry in Genesis 4, he was asking so Cain could evaluate his anger.  Righteous anger leads to productivity.  I can identify why I am angry (Harper dying) and try to be productive (try to help others who grieve.)  Unrighteous anger leads to selfishness.  I am angry because my life didn’t go the way I wanted, but just dwell on that anger and let it fester.

Anger is not a bad thing.  It is when we let the anger affect our relationships with others.  Typically this happens because you are not releasing the anger and instead are bottling it up inside.  I am the king at bottling up my emotions.  I can get mad about several things throughout the day and not do anything about it.  The problem is the sixth thing that happens, no matter how small, is what brings all the anger out in an unhealthy way.  If I had just discussed some of my anger with the people who made me angry as I got angry, then it would not explode out of me.

I have been angry in waves through the entire time since losing Harper.  I was angry the night that we found out that she did not have a heartbeat.  I literally punched a tree.  It was around 11 PM and I went outside the hospital.  It was my first time by myself and I talked to God.  I yelled and I punched a tree.  Anger.  When I visit the cemetery by myself, I like to question why this happened.  I cry out to God and I am angry.  Anger.  Sometimes I even see myself projecting my anger at the situation towards my family.  I will snap at one of the boys when they are doing something wrong, just because I was thinking about Harper when they did it.  Anger.

How do you deal with the anger in a productive manner?  There are going to be many things that set off thoughts of anger throughout your grieving.  Perhaps you are just mad that you lost someone.  Maybe you are angry at someone who contributed to or did not prevent the death of your loved one.  Maybe you are angry at God for allowing this to happen.  You might get mad at someone who has a loved one that you now don’t have.  No matter what causes your anger, you need to deal with it. 

If you bottle it up and ‘let the sun go down’ on it, then you risk it all exploding out one day on someone who doesn’t deserve it.

You may say that you can’t control your anger or you have a short fuse.  The reality is you are just choosing not to control your anger in this situation.  There are many times you control your anger.  In public, at work, around others. 

Finally, do not stay angry because you risk letting the devil in.  The longer you stay angry and let it fester, the better chance the devil has to twist your thoughts.  The better chance you will fall further away from God.  The devil will use your anger to ruin your marriage, your relationships with your kids, and your relationships with others.  Tragedies have one of two outcomes for Christians.  Either they grow closer to God because they have nowhere to turn OR they turn away from God and try to drown out the pain and anger in idols and vices.

Be angry and do not sin.

Do not let the sun go down on your anger.

And give no opportunity to the devil.

Talk to someone.  Reach out to me if you want someone who will not judge you or diminish your situation.  Find a healthy outlet for your anger.  And lean into God, because He is the best one to go to.

Please leave any of your ideas to combat anger or your thoughts/examples of anger in the face of grief in the comments below or reach out to me personally through the contact button below. 

-E