What does grief look like four years later? I’m not sure if people outside of the “loss club” think about this question or not, but I felt it was the perfect topic for today. I bet some people believe that grief gets lighter as time goes on. After all, time heals all wounds right?
One of the things my nurse said to Eric and I shortly after Harper was born was, “People are going to say a lot of really dumb things.” In the moment I couldn’t wrap my mind around what she meant. I was overcome with grief and my mind was trying to process the fact that I had just given birth to a lifeless baby girl. But as time went by, her words echoed back in my mind and I realized what she was trying to warn us of.
It didn’t take long for us to experience all kinds of, well, let’s just say “interesting” comments. Some were hurtful. Some were confusing. Some were just stupid. And some were cliches that are often used when people just don’t know what to say.
I wanted to talk today about one that I’ve probably heard more than all the others. Chances are, if I’ve told you my story, you have probably mumbled this phrase to me.
Two years. It has been two years since we first saw your face. That beautiful face. Two years ago our lives were turned upside down and we entered our lowest valley and our wish to raise you here on Earth did not come true.
To all of you raising two year olds out there- hello. You may or may not know me, but I deeply desire to know what your life is like right now. As you read that, perhaps you exhaled, rolled your eyes, or laughed thinking I couldn’t possibly be serious. You may feel that life with your two year old is nothing glamorous or anything that anyone would care to know about… but you’re wrong.
I think there is a common misconception about the difficulty of living life and the responsibility of being christian or religious. Somehow if you claim to love God, there is a pressure to be able to “hold it all together.” As if leaning on Him can’t look messy.
I want to share with you today that it can.
Trusting God in the midst of your circumstances is a complexly intricate mixture of emotions. It is not pretty. It is not easy. It doesn’t fit neatly in the church pew each Sunday. Faith, based not on the details of this life, but on the divine attributes of God, is grueling.
Acceptance is defined, by Merriam Webster, as “The quality or state of being accepted.” OK… Accept is defined (in the most fitting definition) as “to endure without protest or reaction”. I don’t know about the “without reaction” part, but I like the “endure” part. Acceptance is different for everyone. For me, acceptance was when I no longer felt guilty doing something fun or something special.
Depression is an under discussed stage of grief. Many people do not realize when they are in this stage of grief.
Merriam-Webster defines depression as a state of feeling sad. The second definition is a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.
Everyone loves finding a good bargain. We walk to the back of the store to find the clearance items. We travel a little bit further to save that $1 at another store. We also are willing to negotiate. When I go to the car dealership, I am not satisfied until that Sales person has talked to their boss at least three times with my different offers.
Sometimes we make grief like that.
Merriam-Webster defines anger as “a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism.” Well, I guess I need to define antagonism too now. Antagonism is “actively expressed opposition or hostility.” Anger causes displeasure and hostility to manifest itself to those you love and those around you if it is not dealt with in a healthy way.
Merriam Webster defines denial as the action of declaring something to be untrue. Even when faced with a fact, the person does not accept it.
In the first day, I went through all of the stages of grief. I embodied denial several times in the first 24 hours that we were in the hospital. When Alexa told me she was going to go to the doctor because she hadn’t felt Harper move, I said to myself, “It will be fine. They will check and she will just not have moved lately or not had room to move.” DENIAL.
