I NEVER KNEW

I never knew. 

I never knew that babies could die.

...at least not like that. 

I never knew that everything could look perfectly fine and healthy

until it wasn’t. 

I never knew that umbilical cords could tangle into knots and tighten so tightly

that they could take an innocent life. 

I never knew that after 271 days of carrying my baby inside of me

her life could stop in an instant. 

I never knew the nursery I had decorated, the diapers I had organized, the clothes I had washed

would remain empty and unused. 

I never knew the agony of pushing to deliver my baby girl

knowing I would only be met with silence and death. 

I never knew the heaviness of holding my child’s lifeless body in my arms. 

I never knew the heartache of telling my living children that their sweet baby sister couldn’t come home with us… ever. 

I never knew what torture it was to go to a funeral for your daughter. 

...to walk down the aisle to her casket

...to stare at that casket as you follow the hearse in the rain to a cemetery

...to kiss her goodbye one last time as I whispered, ‘I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you.’

I never knew what it was like to watch my daughter’s casket being buried

and to have a piece of myself buried with it. 

I never knew that life could be so cruel. 

I never knew… until I did. 

But, Jesus. 

I never knew how much I needed Him.

I never knew how present He could be in the deepest valleys. 

I never knew how true it was that my circumstances don’t determine His goodness. 

I never knew how He could use such a horrific story to bring such tremendous healing and comfort to others. 

I never knew how to fully love my living children, until He showed me how precious their lives really were. 

I never knew how to live ‘heaven-minded’ until He took a part of my heart to live there. 

I never knew how much He loved me. 

I never really knew… until I did.