What does grief look like four years later? I’m not sure if people outside of the “loss club” think about this question or not, but I felt it was the perfect topic for today. I bet some people believe that grief gets lighter as time goes on. After all, time heals all wounds right?
One of the things my nurse said to Eric and I shortly after Harper was born was, “People are going to say a lot of really dumb things.” In the moment I couldn’t wrap my mind around what she meant. I was overcome with grief and my mind was trying to process the fact that I had just given birth to a lifeless baby girl. But as time went by, her words echoed back in my mind and I realized what she was trying to warn us of.
It didn’t take long for us to experience all kinds of, well, let’s just say “interesting” comments. Some were hurtful. Some were confusing. Some were just stupid. And some were cliches that are often used when people just don’t know what to say.
I wanted to talk today about one that I’ve probably heard more than all the others. Chances are, if I’ve told you my story, you have probably mumbled this phrase to me.
Two years. It has been two years since we first saw your face. That beautiful face. Two years ago our lives were turned upside down and we entered our lowest valley and our wish to raise you here on Earth did not come true.
To all of you raising two year olds out there- hello. You may or may not know me, but I deeply desire to know what your life is like right now. As you read that, perhaps you exhaled, rolled your eyes, or laughed thinking I couldn’t possibly be serious. You may feel that life with your two year old is nothing glamorous or anything that anyone would care to know about… but you’re wrong.
I think there is a common misconception about the difficulty of living life and the responsibility of being christian or religious. Somehow if you claim to love God, there is a pressure to be able to “hold it all together.” As if leaning on Him can’t look messy.
I want to share with you today that it can.
Trusting God in the midst of your circumstances is a complexly intricate mixture of emotions. It is not pretty. It is not easy. It doesn’t fit neatly in the church pew each Sunday. Faith, based not on the details of this life, but on the divine attributes of God, is grueling.
As we turn over a new month, a new year, a new decade, I look back on the past and reflect.
The past decade was one of great joy, but still great pain. Early in the decade, getting to marry the love of my life. Four beautiful children joined our family throughout the decade. Sadly, we don’t get to raise one of them, but her life is far better as she gets to be in a place with no pain, no suffering, no tears.
On December 3, 2018, our first born turned FIVE years old! He is still just a baby to us, but is also becoming such a big boy. This coming year will be filled with adventure- including starting kindergarten! Ah!
Hudson James- we love you with our whole hearts. We are so proud of who you are growing up to be. You love Jesus and you love your family so well. You are the best big brother to all THREE of your siblings.
On August 30, 2018, our sweet Henry turned TWO years old! I’m well aware that this post is several months late, but better late than never- right? I love planning parties for my boys, and Herny’s farm-themed second birthday was no exception. We had it in Gunter, TX at Preston Trail Farms. If you are local and haven’t been up that way, you have to go! The kids always have a blast and get a ton of energy out.
Planning Herny’s party gave me a good distraction from my grief in the first few months after loosing Harper. It gave me something to do and somewhere else to focus my attention besides the loss of my daughter.
FROM ALEXA:
One of the first things I spoke after I’d found out that Harper’s heart was no longer beating was,
“Eric, I can’t do this again. I just can’t do this again.”
I knew how much not bringing Harper home was going to wreck our family. I knew how sad it would make Eric and my boys feel. I just wanted to “fix” it any way that I could. At that point, the only way to make things right was to try again. To become pregnant and carry another child for 39 weeks, but to hopefully bring home a healthy, living baby...but I just couldn’t fathom it.
We wanted to share some photos of our recent trip to Florida’s 30A. We had no vacations planned for this summer. Our only plans were to take care of our newborn daughter and adjust to life as a family of 5. Our summer has been nothing how we thought it would be. If I’m being honest, I have felt extremely guilty for the quality of summer I have given my boys. They haven’t gotten the mom they are used to or the one they deserve. We haven’t been “up to” taking them to the pool, splash pad, zoo, etc. So, we decided to plan a last minute trip to the beach to "make it up to them."
Other than the 12+ hour car ride (ha!), it was a fun trip for our family. The boys played on the beach until they were exhausted and we made new memories together... but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t all bittersweet.
If you’ve ever lost a child, you know that every happy memory you make here is forever covered by a heavy blanket of grief. We missed our Harper and wished so badly that she was there with us. It’s the strangest thing to feel intense joy and unbearable grief at the same time, but it is a feeling I am becoming more accustomed to. I think, over time, the blanket of grief may get a little lighter, but it will always exist.
So, until the day when our whole family can enjoy each other’s company, we will continue to keep our daughter’s memory alive. We will miss her. We will talk about her. We will wonder what she would be doing if she were with us. We will share her story with others. We will ask God to hold her tightly in His arms and tell her things about her family who misses her dearly.
I have a shirt hanging in my closet with the words "Blessed With Boys" on the front in large letters. It has always been one of my favorite shirts to wear- it's soft, not too tight, and has a great message. I remember putting it on a few days after we lost Harper, but I just couldn't do it. I wanted to be blessed with boys AND my baby girl. Even though I believe I am blessed to have Harper in heaven, I wanted to be blessed with her here on Earth.
