What does grief look like four years later? I’m not sure if people outside of the “loss club” think about this question or not, but I felt it was the perfect topic for today. I bet some people believe that grief gets lighter as time goes on. After all, time heals all wounds right?
One of the things my nurse said to Eric and I shortly after Harper was born was, “People are going to say a lot of really dumb things.” In the moment I couldn’t wrap my mind around what she meant. I was overcome with grief and my mind was trying to process the fact that I had just given birth to a lifeless baby girl. But as time went by, her words echoed back in my mind and I realized what she was trying to warn us of.
It didn’t take long for us to experience all kinds of, well, let’s just say “interesting” comments. Some were hurtful. Some were confusing. Some were just stupid. And some were cliches that are often used when people just don’t know what to say.
I wanted to talk today about one that I’ve probably heard more than all the others. Chances are, if I’ve told you my story, you have probably mumbled this phrase to me.
Two years. It has been two years since we first saw your face. That beautiful face. Two years ago our lives were turned upside down and we entered our lowest valley and our wish to raise you here on Earth did not come true.
To all of you raising two year olds out there- hello. You may or may not know me, but I deeply desire to know what your life is like right now. As you read that, perhaps you exhaled, rolled your eyes, or laughed thinking I couldn’t possibly be serious. You may feel that life with your two year old is nothing glamorous or anything that anyone would care to know about… but you’re wrong.
I think there is a common misconception about the difficulty of living life and the responsibility of being christian or religious. Somehow if you claim to love God, there is a pressure to be able to “hold it all together.” As if leaning on Him can’t look messy.
I want to share with you today that it can.
Trusting God in the midst of your circumstances is a complexly intricate mixture of emotions. It is not pretty. It is not easy. It doesn’t fit neatly in the church pew each Sunday. Faith, based not on the details of this life, but on the divine attributes of God, is grueling.
I have always had a bad memory. I struggle recalling people’s names. I struggle recollecting many experiences from my childhood and adolescence. I occasionally struggle to remember what I did in the last day/week/month.
Everything about our baby girl, Harper; however, are things that I hope not to forget.
I could feel my heart begin to rip in two as my doctor went on to explain that Harper’s heart was not beating. He showed us the four chambers of the heart and we could see how still it was. We could also see how perfect our baby looked. Perfectly developed and whole in every way. Eric asked if they could do an emergency delivery and somehow get her heart to start beating.
“I’m so sorry guys. That’s not possible. We don’t know why this happens, but it does happen. It’s an awful thing, but it does happen. It’s nothing that you did or could have done differently.” -Dr. Weinstein
I went and hung out with friends about three weeks after we lost Harper. I sat there and ate barbecue with them. I played a game with them. And for a moment I was distracted enough to not think about the fact that I had lost our baby girl. No, I hadn’t forgotten. Just for a moment, I had a sense of fun in my life. I had a sense of enjoyment for the first time since we had lost Harper.
Monday, May 21, 2018-
The worst day of my life. It started out like any typical Monday would. Eric went to work, the boys got up around 7:30 and had their oatmeal. Being 38.5 weeks pregnant, I was physically exhausted but wanted to make one of the last days with ‘just my boys’ an enjoyable one. A new splash pad area had just opened and I knew Hudson and Henry would have a BLAST, so we decided to go. Taking a 4 year old and 21 month old to a splash pad is similar to running a marathon. The swimsuits, swim diapers, towels, water bottles, snacks, sunscreen....the list goes on and on. I was completely exhausted before we had even left the house, but like I said- I wanted our last day before baby sister to be memorable.
This image may not mean a lot to you. To you, it may just look like a messy corner of my bedroom, but to me it is so much more.
You see, just 8 weeks ago those shelves were fully stocked with diapers, wipes, burp cloths, swaddle blankets, and everything else we might need for a newborn. Since this was my third pregnancy, through trial and error I had learned a great deal about what is needed in those early, sleep-deprived weeks. I knew the toll that having a new baby in the house would take on my body both physically and mentally, but none of that mattered. We were going to have our baby girl, Harper Jane, and our family would be complete.
