October 15th: Infant Loss Awareness Month

AVOIDED CONVERSATIONS

I don’t want anyone to bring it up or ask me about it.  I just want to come in and work.

This was my sentiment when I went back to work.  I told my boss to let our team know that I don’t want to talk about what happened to Harper.  I think I did this for several reasons.

I think I was afraid of showing emotions.  I did not want to start crying while explaining what had happened.  I did not want to downgrade my professionalism.  I did not want to change the way people viewed me.  I always have to be happy, joking Eric, right?

I think I was afraid of what people might say.  People just don’t know what to say and sometimes when they don’t know what to say, they say dumb things.  I did not want anyone to ask if we thought we would have another kid.  I did not want anyone to tell me that it would get better with time.  I did not want anyone to tell me that I was lucky to have the boys.

I think I was afraid of wasted time in having these conversations.  I did not want to retell the entire story 10 times to 10 different people and then my entire day in the office was gone and I accomplished nothing.

But here is the deal, I needed to talk about Harper.  She is my daughter.  That beautiful baby girl was here in our arms.  Just sweeping what happened under the rug at work to save face or prevent showing feelings prevented Harper’s story from being told.  If I don’t talk about it then people might forget I have a daughter.

So please feel free to ask me about my perfect, beautiful baby girl who just happens to live with Jesus instead of at our house.  I would love to tell anyone her story.

I would encourage anyone who is afraid of all the things above in their story, using them as excuses so they don’t have to share, just forget about those fears.  Show your emotions because even though it might be awkward in the moment, you had something sad happen so you can be sad.  Don’t worry about what people might say because people are going to say dumb stuff whether you want them to talk to you or not.  Don’t worry about wasting time.  If you are truly too busy just schedule a time to talk about it so that you can tell that story.

Harper is my baby girl.  I miss her.  I cry often because I miss her.  If you don’t know what to say, just ask about her.  Don’t feel obligated to talk about Harper just because I wrote this, but just know if you ever want to you can.  I want to talk about her.

A CHOSEN JOY

Ok y’all, time for some real talk.

I’m 29 years old. I’m of what they call “prime childbearing age.” Pregnant women surround me. I can’t log into social media these days without seeing another pregnancy announcement, gender reveal, or birth announcement. I have had the honor of hosting countless baby showers and have attended even more. Most of my friends are either trying to get pregnant, currently pregnant, newly postpartum, or already planning when they want to have their next baby.

I’ve always tried to enjoy the season of life that I’m in. With diaper changes, terrible twos, potty training tips, and sleep depravity surrounding me it isn’t always easy to find the joy. I know that my kids are only little for a short time and people always say, “It goes by in the blink of an eye.”

The Bible says in Romans 12:15- “Rejoice with those who rejoice. Weep with those who weep.”

Now for the honesty.

Since losing Harper, it has been so incredibly difficult to be happy for others. Like unbearably, excruciatingly hard and I hate it. I hate that my heart cringes every time I see a pregnant woman. I hate that the first thing I think when I see another friend pregnant is, “Well, I hope her baby doesn’t die too.” I hate that I hope people are pregnant with boys...because the thought of them getting a healthy, living daughter while I have to visit the cemetery to “be with mine” just sucks. I hate that I have had to “unfollow” 80% of my Facebook friends because their lives are something I envy. I hate that I can’t automatically reply yes to baby shower invitations because I’m not sure if I could maintain my composure while there.

All this to say, rejoicing with those who rejoice is not something that comes as naturally as it used to. It’s hard not to compare my circumstances to theirs. It’s hard to truly be happy for the blessings God has given others (especially in the forms of babies).

Through Harper, God has been teaching me many lessons, but I think the biggest one so far has been that joy in life is chosen.

It does not come easily, and most definitely is not natural, to feel joy when your life has crumbled before your eyes, but it is Christ like. By attending a baby shower or supporting and praying for a friend in pregnancy, I am choosing joy. I am choosing the path less traveled. I am choosing to let Christ use me to love others, even in the midst of unthinkable tragedy. So every day, I will continue to get out of bed. I will continue to pray and thank God for my baby girl and the lessons He continues to teach me through her life. I refuse to stay in the bitter and let evil thoughts get the best of me. With Christ as my rock, I choose joy.

Vacationing Van Hals :: summer 2018

We wanted to share some photos of our recent trip to Florida’s 30A. We had no vacations planned for this summer. Our only plans were to take care of our newborn daughter and adjust to life as a family of 5. Our summer has been nothing how we thought it would be. If I’m being honest, I have felt extremely guilty for the quality of summer I have given my boys. They haven’t gotten the mom they are used to or the one they deserve. We haven’t been “up to” taking them to the pool, splash pad, zoo, etc. So, we decided to plan a last minute trip to the beach to "make it up to them."

Other than the 12+ hour car ride (ha!), it was a fun trip for our family. The boys played on the beach until they were exhausted and we made new memories together... but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t all bittersweet.

If you’ve ever lost a child, you know that every happy memory you make here is forever covered by a heavy blanket of grief. We missed our Harper and wished so badly that she was there with us. It’s the strangest thing to feel intense joy and unbearable grief at the same time, but it is a feeling I am becoming more accustomed to. I think, over time, the blanket of grief may get a little lighter, but it will always exist.

So, until the day when our whole family can enjoy each other’s company, we will continue to keep our daughter’s memory alive. We will miss her. We will talk about her. We will wonder what she would be doing if she were with us. We will share her story with others. We will ask God to hold her tightly in His arms and tell her things about her family who misses her dearly.

-A