BEAUTY FROM ASHES

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At five years old, my son knows death.

...not the kind where his hamster or 101 year old grandma died.

He knows the unexplainable, unimaginable, unfair death of his sibling- his baby sister.

At nearly three years old, he became a big brother to our second son, so he knew the drill well. Mom goes to the hospital. He comes to visit mom and the baby. Mom and Dad bring the baby home. Life changes.

To say he was excited to be a big brother again, specifically a big brother to a little sister, would be the understatement of the century. He would often rub and kiss my tummy, talk to his sister, and ask how many days were left before we would be bringing her home. I have to admit, the constant questions about how many days left quickly became bothersome… “97, 82, 65, I don’t know, son, one less than the number I said yesterday!”

Little did we know, the countdown was actually counting down to the worst day of our lives as a family. The day we would all stare death in the face closer than we ever had before.

The morning we delivered Harper, we knew our sweet boy would be walking through the door soon to meet his sister. He had no idea that she wouldn’t be breathing, have a heartbeat, or be coming home with us.

As he entered the room, his face lit up. He was thrilled to see his Mom and Dad, but his eyes were looking for his sister. We sat him up on the hospital bed and took a deep breath. Not only did we just deliver our deceased daughter into the world, but now we had to break the news to our first born. We had to crush his heart and somehow explain something that we were nowhere near understanding ourselves.

If it is true that there is no perfect manual on how to parent well, but if there were do you think there would be a chapter called How To Tell Your Child Their Baby Sibling Died? I bet not…

I started speaking and just prayed to Jesus that He would give me words to say, because the truth was I had none. I told him that sister had “gotten sick” in mama’s tummy and that she wasn’t alive anymore. I told him that her body was still here and that he could hold her, but that she couldn’t come home with us because she was dead. I told him that her body would have to be buried, but that her soul was in heaven with Jesus.

I would say that his reaction cut through our hearts like a dagger, but our hearts were already shattered. So instead, I will describe it as the shattered pieces of our hearts being set ablaze and turned to ash. Not only were we unable to “fix” this tragedy for ourselves as Harper’s parents, but we couldn’t “fix” it for our living child either. There was nothing we could say to make it better, so we just held him and cried.

Harper was brought in shortly, and we all got to hold her. Our son’s mood lightened as soon as he saw her. He held her and loved on her just as though she were alive. He kissed her, counted her fingers and toes, and lovingly rubbed her head. He didn't care that she was dead. She was his little sister and he loved her with that big-brotherly love that only he could give her.

In the days that followed, we didn’t get to see much of our sweet boy. His grandparents cared for him while we planned his sister’s funeral. This included late nights, meetings, and tons of driving. Our minds were on autopilot as planning her funeral was the absolute last thing we wanted to be doing, but we knew we needed to in order to honor our baby girl in the way she deserved. We knew we wouldn’t be planning her first birthday, graduation party, or wedding, so we were going to pour our whole selves into this funeral if it killed us.

On May 24, 2018, the evening before the funeral, we sat Hudson on our bed and did our best to explain what he would experience the next day. He of course had never been to a funeral before and had a lot of questions. Again, I just prayed Jesus would give me the words because I knew I wouldn’t have them. We explained that a funeral was a time for all of our friends and family to come together and remember/say goodbye to someone we loved. We told him that Harper would be in “her box” what he called her coffin, and that there would be prayers, songs, preaching, and probably plenty of crying during the funeral. We went on to explain how after the funeral, we would drive up to the cemetery with Harper’s box so that the men could bury it in the dirt.

I could see the wheels of his little mind turning, soaking in all of the information, but still unsure of how to process it all. He was concerned about Harper being in the dirt and not with us or in heaven with Jesus. This is when we again did our best to explain the difference between our souls and our flesh. We made sure he knew that Harper was already happy in heaven with Jesus and that her body was empty.


What happened next is one of the most beautiful things grown from the ashes of Harper’s death.

Hudson began asking more about heaven. He asked what it was like and if we could visit Harper in heaven. Honestly, he was pretty bummed that Harper was getting to experience the amazingness of heaven without him. We were able to explain to him that Mama and Dada would go to heaven when they died and that he could too- if he believed in God and asked Jesus to come and live inside of His heart.


And in that moment, surrounded by grief, heartache, physical pain of just delivering a baby, and exhaustion, Jesus entered our son’s heart. In that moment, it was strange to feel such deep pain while at the same time feeling gratitude. It was the beginnings of the sacred dance of grief and joy that we would soon come to know well. In the midst of that moment with our sweet boy, I could see God stirring the ashes from our shattered, burnt hearts in a way that only he could and I knew that we were going to survive this.

-A

A FATHER'S PERSPECTIVE :: HARPER'S STORY PART III

A FATHER'S PERSPECTIVE :: HARPER'S STORY PART III

Tuesday, May 22…The worst day of my life (or was Monday May 21 the worst day? They were both pretty horrible days) Happy Anniversary?

I got two good almost two hour stretches of sleep during the night. Finally around 5 AM, as I was lying there with my eyes open, Alexa whispered “Are you awake.” I said I was and Alexa decided that we were up for the day. I told her Happy Anniversary and we both just kind of rolled our eyes at each other. We turned the lights on and around 5:45, the nurse checked Alexa and found she was 5 cm dilated. I texted the photographer and told her to come.

AN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE


What feelings come to mind at the mention of Valentine’s Day? Do you get the warm fuzzies thinking about your sweetheart? Are you into all things love, roses, boxes of chocolates and over-sized stuffed animals? Maybe you are not a fan- scarred by an awful memory/past relationship. Or maybe you make it all about the kids- showering them with treats and helping out at their class party that day. Many people even believe it is just a consumer holiday to take everyone’s money and make them feel vulnerable.

No matter where you land on this issue, most people can agree on one thing. As Valentine’s Day approaches, you can’t help but think about love.

It forces you to stop and consider who you love and who loves you. Maybe a spouse or significant other comes to mind. Maybe a child, mother, father, grandparent, close friend...the list goes on. For some, it’s the sad reality of realizing their list is much shorter than they would like it to be or ever thought it could be at this point in their lives.

Today friend, in a totally and completely un-cheesy way, I want to remind you of the One who loves you the most. The One who should be at the top of your list and the One who has you at the top of His. His name is Jesus.

Whether your relationship with Jesus is strong, okay at best, or non-existent, I want to remind you today of Jesus’ great love for you.

In the world in which we live, love can come with heartbreak. The type of love we are accustomed to comes with boundaries and conditions. It is often based on our circumstances and can change in an instant. This happens because we are a sinful people and are incapable of loving perfectly. We hold grudges, our feelings get hurt, we base how we treat others on how they treat us. We live in a “they get what they deserve” society.

But God’s love is so very different. His love is perfect and unconditional. No matter how much we sin against God, we are shown love and compassion. I can think of a thousand circumstances that Jesus loves us though or in spite of. His love doesn’t change based on what struggles or hardships we endure in this life. His love is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. It was the same at the beginning of our story as it will be at the end.

He loves us even if…

...we’ve had bad day.

...we haven’t touched our Bibles in days, weeks, months, or years.

...we’ve lost our job.

...our spouse left us.

...we yelled at our children all day.

...our house is a mess.

...we are staring down at another negative pregnancy test.

...we just suffered a miscarriage.

...our car just broke down.

...we went over budget- again.

...we just buried our child.

I have experienced many of the sufferings listed above and know first hand how difficult it can be to feel God’s love for us when we are faced with such unexplainably hard circumstances. It is so easy to feel abandoned, forgotten, unseen, and unloved in those moments...but please hear me.

Jesus still loves you.

His love for us is not shown in a way that would seem natural to us. God doesn’t say- “I will show my love to you by shielding you from suffering during your life on Earth.” He doesn’t bless us when He loves us and curse us when He doesn’t. No- He always loves us, despite what we are faced with. We know this to be true because of the ultimate act of love Jesus displayed on the cross. As the only sinless man to ever live, He paid the debt for all of our sin by dying on the cross. Because of His sacrifice, we are able to live forever in heaven with Him when we die. He has given us new life and a second chance- one we definitely do not deserve.

“But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners Christ died for us.” -Romans 5:8


If you want to know more about this great love, or maybe just aren’t feeling it in the midst of your circumstances, I would love to hear from you. I would love to hear your story and come alongside you to pray for you. As Valentine’s Day approaches, I hope you are encouraged to know that Jesus can be permanently on the top of your “love list.”

To The Mom Whose Baby Will Live-

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Dear “Mom Whose Baby Will Live”,

Congratulations! What a blessing it is to have life growing inside of you. Whether you are a first, second, or third time mom, I’m sure that you must be filled with excitement and anticipation of your little one. You have most likely found out the gender of your baby and have the next 6-12 months planned out in your mind. I’m sure you are setting up the cutest little room for your son or daughter, registering for all the things, and dreaming of how different life will look come your due date.

I remember those days.

I was once much like you. My first two children made their way into our lives seamlessly. They were both boys, and I was getting used to the idea that being a “boy mom” was just amazing. I had become somewhat of a pro at dressing my boys, buying the trains, planes, and cars, and even successfully potty trained my oldest-which with boys can be an adventure.

Then I became pregnant with our third.

This was very unexpected. Being the type A planner that I am, it took me awhile to get used to the idea of having another so close in age to my then 14 month old, but I knew God had a plan for our family. We found out that it was a girl and of course were excited to be adding a little more estrogen to our family dynamics. I did all the things moms expecting baby girls do. I decorated a nursery, had a baby shower, and bought all things pink.

But, you see, I didn’t get to keep my daughter.

At nearly 39 weeks pregnant, my heart was crushed and my world forever changed when we discovered she had died in my womb. Her perfectly formed little heart had stopped beating just days before her due date because of a tight knot in her umbilical cord. Everything that I had envisioned for our family’s future was set on fire, and I was left with the ashes-somehow expected to sweep them up in my hands and keep on living.

I don’t write to you to gain any pity, but to say simply this- enjoy it.

Enjoy every hard, exhausting, heavy ounce of your baby who will live. Leave the hospital with full arms, but please don’t take that fullness for granted. Change the dirty diapers, but soak in every one. Wipe the spit up out of your hair for the 500th time today, but embrace it as a sweet perfume. Deal with the tantrums, but in the midst of each one show love and compassion to your child and thank Jesus for letting you raise such a strong-willed little human being.

The truth is, I envy you.

I envy the fact that you get to raise all of your children. I envy the lack of knowledge you have merely due to your lack of unimaginable heartbreak. I envy the fact that each kick of your baby growing inside of you must bring you pure joy, instead of the thought- “ok, she isn’t dead yet.” As I watch you at your baby shower- opening all of the adorable things that you will be able to actually use, I envy your confidence in the fact that you will bring home a living, breathing, healthy baby boy or girl. I envy the fact that you are probably more concerned about what’s in your hospital bag, than the thought of having to plan a funeral soon after you deliver.

I know envy is wrong, and I am working on myself daily. I continue to pour into scripture and God’s promises that I know are just as true for me as they are for you. But if I’m being honest, it is not easy, friend.

And yet, I press on. I rejoice with the hundreds of friends around me bringing living babies into their homes. I go to the baby showers, I pray for good health and smooth deliveries, and I love. Because that is what God calls us to do. Not to dwell in the bitterness and envy, but to love.

So it is with the most sincere heart that I say- I love you. I am praying for you. I am rejoicing with you.

Love,

A Mom Whose Baby Died

“I give you a new command: Love one another. Just as I have loved you, you are also to love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” -John 13:34-35


A FATHER'S PERSPECTIVE :: HARPER'S STORY PART II

A FATHER'S PERSPECTIVE :: HARPER'S STORY PART II

He showed us the heart on the ultrasound and said

“Here are the four chambers of the heart and you can see nothing here.”

We just looked at each other and cried more. The doctor held Alexa’s hand and rubbed my back. We asked if there was anything they could do. He said that when we were ready we would just induce and deliver the baby. In my brain, I thought…Get her out of there and try to resuscitate her. Alexa wanted them to do that. She asked if they could just cut her out. The doctor discouraged that because we would have to spend more time in the hospital and Alexa would have a scar. Couldn’t they do something??? They said they would give us a moment together and left the room. I was in denial. I just knew that when we delivered she would be ok. She would have a heartbeat. They just needed to deliver now. I wanted them to put the baby’s heart monitor on too. I wanted Alexa to feel a kick. God does miracles. It can happen.

MERRY CHRISTMAS :: 2018

MERRY CHRISTMAS :: 2018

Ahhh… Christmas Eve 2018.

As I sit here on the couch, Eric is assembling the last of the gifts, Hudson and Henry are (hopefully) fast asleep, Harper is up in Van Alstyne Cemetery (I know she is really with Jesus in heaven-that’s just the pessimist in me), and baby Hattie is kicking away inside me. A scene I would have never been able to describe to you on Christmas Eve just one year ago.

A FATHER'S PERSPECTIVE :: HARPER'S STORY PART I

A FATHER'S PERSPECTIVE :: HARPER'S STORY PART I

The day started like any other day. I had changed up my morning chore schedule because we knew that after Harper came, we would not clean for a while. I woke up at the normal time, read my Bible, cleaned the shower and tubs, dusted, and emptied all the trashes. You know the important things in life… I packed my lunch and headed out the door. It was a normal day.

MY WIFE

:: 2010 ::

:: 2010 ::

Recently, we had our Bible study Christmas party with our church.  This is one of the first things Alexa and I have done together (without kids) besides seeing a movie here or there since we lost Harper.    We went to the party and ate, chatted with friends, and then they decided to play the “Not so Newly Wed Game”.  In this game, they would ask questions to one spouse about what the other would say.

They asked around 10-12 questions throughout our time playing the game and we missed some, but got a majority of them right.  The thing that stuck out to me was just thinking back on all of the moments of our relationship.  One question was “Where was your first kiss?”  Another question was wedding related.  Many of the questions made you get in your spouse’s mind to think of how they would answer it.  No matter what the questions were, how they were answered, or if we got them right or not, the game made me think back to just us.

My mind went back to before we lost Harper.  Before we had Hudson or Henry.  Even before we were married.  And I thought about just us.  Losing Harper has made our communication stronger.  It made us really talk to each other about our feelings, but it also made us not want to go out.  Not “date”.  Thinking back to dates and getting to know each other made me, for just a second, think back to just me and my wife.  Such a simpler time.

We didn’t have kids running around demanding our attention.  We didn’t have the memory of losing our daughter always in our hearts and minds.  We didn’t have the stresses of life on us.  We were just two college kids hanging out.  As I looked at my wife in those questions, just hoping that I got the answer right of what she would say (or what I should have said), I thought back to then.  When we were first falling in love.  And I realized, through all the years.  Through all the diapers and spit ups.  Through all the activities and busyness.  Through the loss of our baby girl.  Through LIFE.  She is still that same woman I fell in love with.  She is still the most beautiful person I have ever seen.  She is still the one that rolls her eyes and tries to hide her smile when she doesn’t want to laugh at my terrible joke.  She is still the one who tells me I don’t have to hold her hand because we are just walking into the store.  She is still the one who I promised my life to for better OR WORSE.  She is still my princess…

While our life has not gone at all as planned, the one who I have stood hand in hand with and will continue to stand hand in hand with, is her. 

Thanks for being there to hug me, wipe my tears, hold my hand, laugh (at me), and date me.  You are the best.  I love you!